


Risen sun too bright

by Toffino



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hospitalization, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:51:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 30,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3743170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toffino/pseuds/Toffino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you recognized the source of the title, you already know what it's going to be about. Komaeda Nagito decides not to go to school and start his treatment instead, and, as a consequence, many other characters also make different decisions.<br/>It's a translation from Polish, so it can be a little clumsy at times, as my command of the language is still far from perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Such a strange star breaking over my head

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Słońce zbyt jaskrawe dla jego oczu](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2275518) by [Toffino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toffino/pseuds/Toffino). 



> To avoid the confusion. I named the hospital Hope's Peak, so the original Hope's Peak academy (which also exists in this AU and is subject to fierce discussions) is referred to as just 'the Academy'  
> Some characters from the series appear, but they assume completely different roles.  
> Makoto Naegi is the head of Komaeda's ward and Komaru is coordinator of volunteers. Some characters are younger and they appear as patients. Some work with Naegi, some in fact ended up in the school.

"Hope’s Peak?" asked Hinata, suspiciously looking at the signboard in front of him."Whose idea was it to name a children’s hospital like that? I mean, what kind of person you must be to…"  
Komaru Naegi shrugged her shoulders.  
"Makoto says that it was named this way on purpose’ she explained. " You know, after all they need hope more than anybody, right?"  
She was right, he had to admit it. In the place he was about to enter, hope was in a way exclusive commodity. Not everyone could afford that. He noticed that Komaru is staring at him quite plainly, without even hiding her curiosity. He could see their reflection in the glass door: short girl with grey eyes, almost covered with brown fringe and tall, thin boy with green eyes and black, messy hair. Both were wearing their school uniforms.  
"What?" he murmured, a little bit annoyed by her bluntness. Knowing each other since childhood does not entitle anybody to be so intimidating.  
"No, nothing" she smiled and shook her head. "I just can’t stop wondering that you agreed. I mean, it’s very kinf of you, me and Makoto are very happy that you want to help. We’re still lacking of volunteers. It’s just... your parents told my parents that you had different plans for this school year".  
"Ah, that thing" said blankly Hinata. He blushed a little and focused his gaze on the signboard. ‘That thing’ was very exclusive school for the most talented students. School to which only the best and the most special kids could be admitted, in which they could fulfill they dreams, achieve greatness and start their professional career. School he was still secretly dreaming of.  
"Judging by your face expression, something went wrong" smirked Komaru.  
"The tuition is a little bit to high" he said evasively. ‘My parents would be able to afford it, but I didn’t want to press them. It’s not like I care that much.’  
Only after a moment he realised that Komaru’s brother finished the Academy. For sure she knew anything about admission requirements and tuition. Even if she realised that there is something lacking in his explanation, she didn’t comment in any way.  
"Anyway it’s great that you decided to come here and help".Automatic door opened in front of them."It’s not very hard work. You’ll be playing with kids and sometimes changing sheets and all that stuff. We won’t make you clean floors or anything like that though, so don’t worry. It can be depressing at times, but you don’t even know how much satisfaction you can gain" she explained, as she was dragging a little bit overwhelmed Hinata through the corridor."Komaru Naegi, I’m here to see doctor Naegi’ she said at the reception, waving with plastic ID card.’ I brought a new volunteer".  
Man on the reception noted something in his papers and nodded. Komaru opened another glass door and encouraged Hinata to follow her.  
He swallowed. Suddenly the idea of volunteer work on oncology ward became not so good idea. For sure much worse than few weeks ago, when agitated Komaru was telling him about helping older brother and trying to make ill children smile. Colourful walls with characters from animated series painted on them, plastic chairs and tables, toys and boxes of crayons weren’t able to mask the sense of unnatural, disturbing hospital cleanliness. They intensified the uncaniness. Hinata felt that his hands are starting to sweat. His stomach was strangely cluthed.  
"Komaru" he coughed. "I don’t think I…".Surely she didn’t hear him. She just kept on going, happy that she found next person willing to help. "I don’t think it’s a good." he tried again. Suddenly he bumped at someone with the force that made him fall on his knees. "..idea" he finished. He made a clumsy effort to get up.  
"Everything ok?"  
He looked up, disoriented and cestfallen. The eyes he met weren’t Komaru’s eyes. They were very big and very pale, silvery-grey. They belonged to tall boy in green jacket, who was standing in front of Hinata, reaching out to him.  
"Yeah, yeah, thanks" he murmured, accepting the help. He tried to look away but he simply couldn’t. "It’s ok, it’s my fault, I wasn’t looking"  
The boy looked at him carefully. Not as curiously as Komaru before; silvery-grey eyes were full of kind interest. Hinata was looking at him as well. He saw strands of hair sneaking out of deep hood. In the light of glow-tube they seemed almost white.  
"It’s not because of disease’ explained the boy, smiling provocatively and waving his hand. A bracelet with patient ID was dangling from his thin wrist. ‘It’s just the way I am"  
"Sure, I understand" said quickly Hinata. "I mean, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to.. I didn’t think that…" he looked down, feeling very embarassed. He noticed an envelope lying on the floor uneder his feet. Probably it fell from the comic book white-haired boy was holding in his hand. Seal on the envelope was strangely familiar. Hinata bent, to pick up the letter.  
"Mine!" said the patient, also reaching out in the same direction. He swiftly picked up the envelope the moment before Hinata was able to put his finger on it. He started to browse through his comic book, searching for a place where the envelope was placed earlier. Hinata’s eyes were fixed on the paper held between two slender fingers. He could see the seal on it clearly. More clealy that he wished to at that point. He felt dissapointment burning his throat.  
"Uhm.. if I may ask.." he started awkwardly.  
"Hmm?" Silvery-grey eyes were kind, still sparkling with curiosity.  
" That envelope…?"  
He cocked his head and started to play with strand of his weird, white hair.  
"Ah, that thing" he said, as if he suddenly realised what Hinata was looking at. "Fine example of irony" he stated. "Imagine, that you are opening the maibox and you find two envelopes. One contains results of your latest medical check-up, the seconf one informs that you were admitted to’he looked at the seal. ‘…to those halls of awesomeness, because you were drawn in the lottey as the Super High School Level Luck."  
Hinata looked at him, startled.  
"Super High School Level Luck?" he asked with the mixture of awe and jealousy. Till the end he was hoping to be the lucky one. After all it was the way Komaru’s brother was admitted to the Academy. "Really?"  
"Your decision depends on which envelope you open first" continued the boy. ‘ If you read the start with the letter from school, you sort of assume that, since you are officially the luckiest person in the world, there cannot be anything wrong with your results, that you are completely healthly. If you start with the letter from hospital, you know that it doesn’t matter to what school youwere planning to go. That your future plans are irrelevant . I think you already know’ a bitter smile appeared on his face. "which envelope I opened first".  
Before Hinata managed to come up with any good answer, somebody gently tapped his shoulder.  
"I see you’ve already started to make friends" said Komaru, smiling at him. She must have finally realised that her temporary subordinate was left behind and she came back to look for him.’ Very good, it’s important to be open. Hello, Komaeda’ she waved to the white-haired boy, who answered with slightly absentminded smile. "Come on, Hinata, we need to go, Makoto is waiting for you. He wants to discuss your responsibities."  
"Yeah, so… uhm’ coughed Hinata.’ Bye.. I guess?".  
"See you soon, Hinata" said the patient. He waved both of them goodbye and he started to walk in the opposite direction. Hinata walked automatically, still looking at the floor. He was aware that Komaru is staring at him again. He felt that. But the only thing he could think of were strands of white hair escaping from the hood, bracelet with ID on the wrist and letter from the Academy between pages of the comic book. He felt that something is clamping around his stomach more and more tightly.  
"What’s wrong with him?" he asked suddenly.  
Komaru gave out a small, sinister laugh."And you’ve already started to talk as if you were one of them" she said, slightly shaking her head in dissaproval.  
"Hm? What?" he asked, a bit confused. "What again?"  
"The patients, you know. Every time someone new appear on this ward they ask about the diagnosis" she sighed. "Not about name, or interests or whatever, but the diagnosis. As if the disease was somtething that defines them, their identity’ Hinate felt a shiver going down his spine. Colourful corridor with big Totoro painted on the wall all of sudden felt awfully cold. ‘It’s hard to avoid’ continued Komaru.’ But Makoto expect us, volunteers, to ask about the name first" she added, assuming teacher-like manner.  
"I’m sorry’ he murmured, averting his gaze.’It won’t happen again".  
"His name is Nagito Komaeda’ said Komadu after long silence.’And he was diagnosed with late stage lymphoma".


	2. They already know who you are

After short, friendly conversation with Naegi, Hinata was directed straight to the ward. Five hospital rooms. Door leading to ICU. Corridor painted with characters from „My Neighbour Totoro”. Rooms for parents and common room.

"We usually play with kids here” explained Komaru, still holding his arm, as if afraid that he is going to change his mind and run away. "Today me and Sonia are on duty, which is actually quite good. You’re just going to sit here for a moment, so they can get used to you. Later you need to help with the sheets and all that stuff”.

She knocked into glass door of common room. After a while slender, blonde-haired girl apeared on the corridor, carefully closing the door behind her. She had very pale complexion, blue eyes and European features.

"Sonia Nevermind” introduced her Komaru. "Princess of Novoselic and new transfer student in the Academy".

Obviously. Transfer student and an arictocrat at the same time. She had no problems enrolling to the best school in whole country.

"Hi" she said cheerfully, smiling at Hinata."So you are the new guy, right? Komaru told me that you’re going to join us today".

"Uhm” answered Hinata, blushing slightly. "Hinata Hajime" he introduced himself quickly. He tried too look over the glass door to see what –more or less- he can expect.

"Nervous?” asked Sonia. ‘There’s no need, the kids are cute. Come on, they shouldn’t stay on their own for too long”.

"Yeah, yeah" he said, feeling that his face is burning from heat. He loosened the collar of his shirt.

"Don’t worry” he heard familiar voice. Komaeda. He was standing in the treshold of one of the rooms, with his face still hidden under the hood. He held his comic book in one hand. Sonia gave him a stern look, to which he answered with slightly mocking smile. "They already know what kind of person you are, from the very first moment. They just want to check and make sure”.

Hinata nodded his head, wondering how exactly he should understand that.

"Maybe you’ll join us, just for a change?” suggested Sonia.

"Fourth Angel has just attacked” answered Komaeda, looking at his comic book."So no, I think I’ll pass”.

"As you wish. Hey, everybody!” she said, opening the door to the common room and peaking inside. Someone gave out a small laugh. "I have a very special guest for you. Hinata, there are everybody… well, almost everybody. Everybody, this is Hinata".

He was welcomed by at least six pairs of curious eyes. Five and a half, he corrected himself. A boy sitting next to the table had a bandage on his left eye. Left side of his face was all swollen. He couldn’t be more than eight years old. He poke his tongue at Hinata and he came back to his drawing.

"Kuryuzuu" said Sonia, furrowing her brows. Hinata felt a little bit disturbed, hearing the surname associated with local mafia. "Apologise to Hinata right now!”

The boy tightened his mouth and shook his head.

"Don’t worry about it, Hinata" advised Sonia. "It’s not his best day, that’s all…"

Hinata shook his head. They both knew that it wasn’t the case. Kuryuzuu knew what kind of person Hinata really is. That he’s not the right person in the right place.

 

Through few weeks following, Hinata was sharing his time between regular, by any means dreamed school and the "Totoro ward”. He was gradually learning the names of the patients, their interests, their history, their diagnosis.The group he was trying to entertain wasn’t the same every day. Someone new appeared. Someone came back from ICU, someone was sent home, someone had tests or was resting after more or less drastic medical procedurę. He hardly ever got to see

Komaeda, who was completely drawn into his comic book series and he apparently valued reading more than spending time in the common room. Hinata didn’t want to insist. The atmosphere surrounding woud-be Super High School Level Luck was too disturbing for him. Even in the place that was disturbing itself.

The first person to win his heart was Nanami. She was fourteen, which made her one of the oldest patients on the ward. She was wearing pink wig and she had a deep affection for videou games. They hardly ever talked. When Hinata came from school, she just moved to make him place in fornt of the TV and gave him second power pad. They played in almost everything: adventure games, strategy games, war games, horror games. She was the first patient Hinata hasn’t ask about the diagnosis. He didn’t want to ask. He didn’t want to know how serious is her condition, he was just hoping that they will be able to finish newest game about zombie she received from Make a Wish foundation long before official release date.

When she got weaker and she wasn’t able to come to the common room, she asked Hinata to visit her. He sat on her hospital bed. She gave him second power pad. They kept playing.

She got injections and IV drop. They kept playing.

She reveived oxygen through mask. They were still playing.

She was too weak to keep the power pad in her hands. Hinata kept playing, allowing her to watch and comment his clumsy attemps.

That day they were playing really long. Longer than Hinata was expected to work in the hospital. Nanami didn’t want to stop the game in the middle of the most interesting quest and she almost forced her substitute player to get to the last checkpoint before the final. She fell asleep when the fight with final boss was about to start, so Hinata just saved the game and he left the room as quietly as he could. Huge Totoro on the corridor was staring at him, hiding from the rain under leaf umbrella.

"Have you finished the game?” asked Komaeda. Hinata almost jumped. He didn’t notice him at once. Super High School Level Luck was sitting on the wide windowstill with the comic book on his lap. He wasn’t reading. He was just staring at the glass covered with small raindrops.

"Almost” answered honestly Hinata."We still have the final boss to deal with”.

Komaeda just sighed and shook his head.

"You are getting too attached” he warned."This is going to hurt”

"It’s none of your business” said Hinata, furrowing his brows.

Komaeda was looking at him with something strangely close to sympathy. City lights were reflecting in his big, silvery-gray eyes.

"If you want” he said quietly. I can finish that game with you”.

"There’s no need" Hinata angrily zipped his jacket."Me and Nanami are going to finish it together. Tomorrow, after I finish my classes”.

Komaeda was looking at him for a moment, then he carefully shook his head again. He didn’t say a word, but he started to write something on steamy windowglass. Hinata followed the movement of slender pale fingers.

„HOPE”

That was the word Komaeda has written on the glass.


	3. The final boss

Next day, after school everything was all right. He left his park under the hospital gate, as usual. The day was great – sunny, but at the same time a little chilly. The autumn was starting, so no Wonder.

When he went inside and turned in the direction of Totoro ward, everything was as usual. Colourfull corridors for the first time seemed really friendly and even cheerfull.

When he was buing his coffee in the machine as usual, there were no problems. As he was waiting for the paper cup to be filled with hot drink, he started to think about the strategy of fight with the final boss, which – according to the agreement – he was supposed to present to Nanami.

When he entered the ward, Sonia did not welcome him at the door as usual. Best friends - ten years old Koizumi and a year younger Saionji – were whispering something to each other when he passed them on the corridor. Komaru was avoiding his gaze and Makoto Naegi stood in open ICU door, talking to some people. Hinata recognized them immediately. They were Nanami's parents – he saw them few times when he was wisiting Nanami in her room, but he's never talked to them. They kept their distance, allowing their daughter to self indulge in the world of computer games. As if they didn't want to disturb her. At first he wanted to come closer and ask what it is all about, but Komaru just shook her head and invited him to the common room.

She was still trying to avoid looking into his did, in fact. Even Kuryuzuu tried not to stare at him with his one eye, barely visible behind all the bandages. Hinata didn't really care that much. He was still looking nervously at the corridor. He wasn't sure if he was doing anything apart from that. He wasn't playing video games, that's for sure. Noone did. Place in front of the TV screen was reserved for Nanami, none of the younger kids was brave enough to claim it, when he was around.

'Hinata' Komaru looked at her watch. 'I think you can go home earlier today'.

'Hm? Sorry, what?'

'You came back really late yesterday' she said. 'Your mum told my mum that she's worried.'

'No reason' he answered, for a moment raising his head from the drawing he, Saionji and Koizumi were doing. 'It's all right'.

Komaru rolled her eyes.

'Hinata, please… I'm glad that you're so devoted, but… maybe…'

Her voice drowned in scream. Someone was screaming on the corridor. A woman.

Patients looked at each other with silent understanding. They immediatelly came back to their games, blocks and drawing. Nobody was spaking. Each one of them was focusing on escaping into the world of games as deep as possible. See no evil, hear no evil.

Hinata suddenly felt nauseous. It was very hot and stuffy in the common room. Definitelly too stuuffy for him now. Setting autumn sun was getting in though the windows, hurting his eyes. Not even looking at Sonia or Komaru he left the common room. He leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. The woman was still screaming and crying in anguish. She was protesting, begging, pleading to help, to rescue. Behing the glass ICU door there was a hospital bed. Hinata could see people gathered around and girl's body twitching under electrodes.

'Autumn sunset' said quietly Komaeda, who also went to the corridor, lured by the turmoil. 'Way too bright in her losing eyes. '

Hinata did not answer. He felt as if he was suffocating. As if there was acrid smoke all over the corridor. As if he felt the smell of burning body.. No! He shook his head. That's not it, that's just hallucinations. Even from here he saw Nanami's body twisting and bending under new series of electric shocks.

'Stop it!' he asked, touching glass ICU door with his hand. 'Please, stop it, it's not working… stop it.

Inside the woman was still screaming, begging not to stop, to fight.

'Stop' Hinata hit the glass with his hand. ' You're hurting her, don't you understand?'

Somebody gently put hand on his shoulder. Komaeda.

'Come on, Hinata' he said patiently. 'Come with me'.

'Leave her alone' repeated Hinata, completely ignoring him. ' It won't do. Leave her alone, stop it!'.

'Come on' repeared Super High School Level Luck. Finally he manager to drag Hinata away from the door. ' We have to go'

'Go where?' asked Hinata, looking at him with confusion. He realised that his vision is blurry because of tears.'What do you want?'

'Come, Hinata',Komaeda put hand around his shoulder. 'We have to finish the game.'

So they played. They sat next to each other on hospital bed in an empty room and they played. Hinata did not ask, why Nanami's game console is now in Komaeda's room and how it is possible that the game is saved in proper moment. That were the things he didn't really want to know. The sun, too bright in Nanami's losing eyes was setting behind the window, over their fictious battlefield. Smoke from burned bodies go into their eyes, wringing tears and blurring the vision.


	4. Super High School Level Hope

'So?' asked Komaeda, when the screen of TV finally got dark. Hinata had no idea how long they've been playing. The turmoil on the corridor calmed down. Windows were dark. 'What's the thing with the Academy?'

Hinata gave him suspicious look.

'Why are you assuming that there is a thing?' he asked. He stil had his power pad in his hands.

'I remember the way you looked at my bookmark.' Reminded him Komaeda. 'And I see how you look at Sonia sometimes. As if you secretly hated her. As if you were jealous.'

Hinata did not answer. He was pressing the buttons on inactive power pad. Cross, circle, square, cross, circle, square. He got used to it when Nanami was around.

'You applied to the Academy, didn't you?' asked Komaeda, after long moment of silence. And you didn't get in?'

'Oh, I did get in' answered bitterly Hinata. He kept pressing crosses and squares. 'Only not exactly where I wanted.'.

Komaeda raised his eyebrows.

'How is that?'

'You see –there is this super high school talents program' explained grimly Hinata. 'You know, Basketball Player, Doctor, Nurse, Princess' he smirked, thinking of Sonia.

'Luck' interrupted Komaeda.

'Yes, exactly. Luck. The best of the they do not have to pay any tuition, they are the pride of the Academy. Light of our pupils, hope for the future and so on and so on' he recited. He tried to be bitter and cynical, but ideals of the Academy still managed to move him. 'And there is the other program. Reserve class.'

'How does it work?'

Hinata looked at him, slightly annoyed.

'Oh, please,stop pretending. Everybody knows, how it is with the Academy.'

'I don't' answered calmly Komaeda, looking at his reflection in the tv screen.

'They take everybody' admitted Hinata, with blank unenthusiastic voice. 'Even a talent-less losers like me, For high tuition they promise to ignite a spark of talent in them, make them perfect at something, just like everyone in the talent class. Turn them into hope for the humanity'.

'And you got to the reserve class and not the talent class, right?' asked quietly Komaeda. Hinata felt his cheek and ears burning with the memory of failure.

'They made some tests' he answered, with low, tense voice.'They admitted that they…they don't see any talent in me, that would qualify me to the talent class. That yeah, they can enroll me to the reserve class and wait until.. – he sighed. 'until maybe something would hatch. That's they way they put it.'

'Sounds lame' admitted Komaeda.'But did you try to at least give it a go?'

'At the very beginning I wanted to go there no matter what. My parents would be able to affort the tuition, it wasn't a problem. Finally I resigned. I decided to apply to normal school, Komaru encouraged me to come here…

Komaeda was listening in silence. His pale, silvery eyes seemed to register every smallest movement Hinata made.

'I have no idea why am I even explaning this to you' murmured Hinata, finnaly putting power pad away. 'Those are basics. Everyone knows.'

'I'm not especially interested in all that paperwork' said slowly Komaeda, looking at the dark screen.'Never've been'.

'You've never been interested in the Academy?' Hinata looked at him with a mixture of indignation and bewilderment.'Seriously?'

Komaeda shrugged.

'I was more focused in trying to figure out my life' he said honestly.'It tends to be… chaotic. But you' he looked at reflection of Hinata's face.' You seem fascinated with it. The Academy.'

'It used t be my biggest dream' said Hinata, with hesitation.

'So why didn't you go there?' Komaeda seemed surprised.'If yu cared to much and money weren't the problem?'

'They weren't admitted Hinata.'But.. it's stupid'

'More stupid than Shinji refusing to get into the robot and save the humanity because of daddy issues?' asked Komaeda, obviously making reference to his beloved comic books.

Komaeda sighed and shook his head.

'I just thought that… what would happen if everyone knew that I'm not super high school level talent, that I'm there as something.. something that may hatch, but for now nobody really expects that. That I would just sit there and waste time, listening everyone talking behind my back. I didn't want it this way. I prefered to let it go, enroll to normal school and menawhile.. I don't know, maybe do something useful' he finished.

'And then you came here' Komaeda smacked him with his bony elbow.

'And then I came here' admitted quietly Hinata. He was surprised how easy it was to say it. So far he avoided explaining why he had changed his plans. Even Komaru knew only short version. He wasn't sure if it was the way Komaeda talked to him, or the fact that they've just celebrated first death Hinata witnessed on Totoro ward with a video game.

'Listen' said Komaeda after a long silence.'I really think that you shouldn't care for the Academy so much. Sonia is the super high school level princess, but honestly.. she's all right. She doesn't brag or look down on anyone, I've never heard her mentioning the Academy, even once. I also got in, so what? I'm stuck here, reading comic books and dying'

'You are not..'Hinata tried to protest, but Komaeda just continued smoothly.

'That kid, Kuryuzu has place in the Academy practically from the day he was born, as would-be Super High School Level Yakuza' he smirked. 'And so what? He's sitting here and something is eating out his skull from the inside. Koizumi, Saionji, Nanami… she was about to go to the Academy as the Super High School Level Gamer, didn't she tell you?' he looked at Hinata.'No, I assume she didn't. Do you know, why?'

'Nanami was chosen as… 'Hinata blinked. It made sense. With her skills and determination she was really perfect candidate.

'Do you know why she didn't tell you?' insisted Komaeda.

Hinata looked down.

'She didn't tell you because she saw how you are looking at Sonia and me, how you seem angry and jealous. She didn't want you to stop liking her only because she had guaranteed place in school she won't go to because she's not going to live that long and you could seriously use the opportunity but you were to proud'.

Hinata looked at him, hipnotized. He didn't dare to blink.

'Seriously, mate' continued Komaeda, gently putting his hand on his shoulder. 'We all really like you here, but we have enough troubles on our own, we don't want to be afraid that one day you're going to bring a gun and shoot us all because some kids here had views to become super high school level talent of the Academy. As you can see we're not especially overflowing with hope' his voice seemed venomous.'but we're overflowing with practically everything else' he showed Hinata his wrist with the cannula fixed to it.

Hinata stoo dup. He felt as if he was kicked straight in his stomach. He needed fresh air. He needed to get out from here. Go back home, lay in his bed and never come back here again. Not after Nanami's death. Not after the words Komaeda said to him.

'It's late' he said, trying to get rid of the hand that suddenly got hold of his wrist. 'I have to go, my parents will be worried'.

'Hinata' Komaeda still held his hand.'Listen, if you want to know my opinion…'

'I don't' growled Hinata, feeling more and more annoyed.

'If you want to know my opinion, the guys from the Academy are just a bunch of made mistake, claiming that you have no talent.'

'Let go!' Hinata finally managed to free his hand. He took his schoolbag and started to walk towards the door.

'Super High School Level Hope' said Komaeda, making him freeze. Hinata turned around rapidly and looked at him. Hope. The word he wrote on the wet glass last evening.

'What?'

'In my opinion you are Super High School Level Hope' repeated Komaeda. His pale eyes were intense like never before.'You can denny that and tell me I'm crazy, but i want you to know that..' he smiled and started to play with a strand of his almost white hair. 'That I love the hope that lies in you. I love it with all my heart'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Komaeda is a great fan of Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's a headcanon, you cannot discuss with that.


	5. Speaking into candles

Following night was sleepless, full of internal struggle. Hinata kept deliberating, if he should resign from the voluneering job or rather come back to the ward, despite what he have witnessed so war. He still saw glass door to ICU and Nanami's bed, fading screen of cleared game, Komaeda's hand on his wrist. Bitter words still echoed in his skull.

During next day he was barely conscious. He wasn't paying attention to his parents' conversation during breakfast, in school he was absent-minded and he had no idea what was going on around him. His head hurt and he constantly felt either too hot or too cold. His hands were sweaty and his throat was for some reason really sore. He really wanted to go back home and get at least some sleep, but after all he took his bike and rode to the Hope's Peak Children Hospital.

As he was parking his bike, he noticed that someone is watching him. He looked up. Komaeda sat on the windowstill on the second floor, probably with a comic book on his lap. He waved his hand to greet him. Hinata answered with a similar gesture and entered the building.

'No way' said Komaru, when he saw him at the doorstep of the ward. Her hands were placed on her hips, her eyes were very serious.'Go back home, Hinata. You're not entering the ward today.'

'But…' he coughed. 'About yesterday.. It's fine, really. It was a bit depressing, but I'm all right. I can go back to work. I didn't care that much…'

'Maybe you didn't' she sighed. 'But it seems that your body did' she placed her hand on his forehead and she moved away quickly, as if she was burned.'Man, you have like forty Celsius degrees fever, how on earth can you still walk on your own?'

'It's nothing, really' he answered. He grabbed her shoulder in order to clear himself the way to the ward. 'I'm going to be fine'

'You- yes' she answered, still blocking the door. 'But have you thought about them? Are you aware, you stupid egoist, that you are planning to enter with your fever of unknown origin to the ward full of kids with zero immunity that can be killed by any infection?! Are you crazy? It may be just your body's response to stress, but it can as well be some sort of virus or bacteria or something. You can kill them only by plyaing the hero and showing how heroic and determined you are!'

Hinata stepped back. He felt that his face and ears are burning. Fever. Infection. Oncological ward. It really didn't sound like the best mixture ever.

'If you want to show your devotion only to feel better with yourself, go help in the school library, take your neighbour's dog for a walk or I don't know… whatever, just get out of here. Go play hero somewhere else.

He sat on one of small plastic chairs on the corridor. He felt more and more nauseous. His head was throbbing with pain.

'Ok, calm down' Komaru's voice seemed to come from very far away, from a thick fog. Cold hand was again placed on his forehead. 'Now walk down to the reception hall, call a taxi. I cannot come back to the kids because I had contact with you, I might've got infected as well. I'll just call for someone to replace me and we'll come back home together. I'll tell Makoto to come and see you, as soon as he finishes his job.'

Hinata nodded.

He wasn't sure how exactly did he come back home. When he and Komaru were getting into the taxi, he felt Komaeda's gaze on his neck.

The next thing he remembered clearly was bed, tea with ginger and intensive taste of medicines. Makoto Naegi visited him in the evening, passing apologies from Komaru and ensuring that the ward didn't collapse without the presence of one of the volunteers. They talked a little about Nanami, but not for long. Soon afterwards Hinata fell asleep. He didn't have any dreams, he just got completely blank. When he woke up and grabbed his mobile phone, there were several missed calls from Sonia and Komaru. Parents wrote him a text message informing that they went shopping and will be back soon and the breakfast is on the table. There was also one message from unknown number.

It said: **How's your health?**

 **Thanks, I'm fine** he wrote back, wondering, who might be the author. He had the numbers of people from his class that would have any reason to contact him, he also had numbers of other volunteers from the hospital. **Who's asking?**

Next answer arrived after few minutes.

**Komaru explained to us that you tried to get to the ward yesterday in order to start an epidemic of sepsis and she had to take you back home, risking her own life, poor thing. So, you're planning to take your revenge on would-be Academy students after all?**

**Komaeda?** he raised his eyebrows. **Where did you get my number from?**

The answer was immediate this time.

**Komaru**

Hinata put on his hoodie and left the room. His throat was still sore and his head was heavy, but generally he felt much better. The breakfast seemed to be good idea. His weakened body demanded some nutrition.

 **Did she give you my number?** he asked, sitting at the table with a bowl of warm miso soup.

**She left her notebook with numbers to all the volunteers in the common room. It's nice to know that the thing that is eating me out didn' t manage to eat my luck yet.**

Hinata didn't write back immediatelly, too busy with his food. When he finished eating, there was another message on the screen.

**Are you planning to come back to us, SHSL Hope?**

**Yes** answered honestly Hinata. **But Doctor Naegi says that I must get better first. Contrary to that you may suspect, I'm not keen on bio terrorism**

 **I know** answered Komaeda.. **That was very nice of you. That you wanted to come even when you felt sick. Heroic, stupid and suitable for SHSL Hope.**

Hinata stare dat the screen. He wasn't sure what should he say. He didn't even know if proper answer exists. Finally he decided for rather neutral **What's new in Hope's Peak?**

**In brief: Kuryuzuu is not coming to the common room any more because they cut too little tumor and too much brain, Saionji and Koizumi made some sort of memory wall for Nanami and Nidai is happy because he can finally play all her we have a new kid**

**New kid?** asked Hinata, to avert the attention from first three pieces of information. They were too heartbreaking. He didn't want to talk about Nanam. What 's his name?

**Hodgkin's lymphoma. But luckily he also responds to „Sir Porkfeet", you'll find out why when you come back.**

Hinata looked at the phone, angrily furrowing his brows. Komaru's words about identifying the patient with the disease still rang in his ears and what Komaeda wrote only made them more audible. He counted to ten and then he decided that he cannot resist and he started to create very long message, informing about his feelings toward speaker's attitude.

As a consequence of this, they spent all day and all night arguing through their mobile phones about what Komaeda should or shouldn't say in his situation. Komaeda consequently claimed that in his situation there is no „should" or „shouldn't" and that he can say everything that comes to his mind. Hinata attackeked him more and more fiercely, trying to convince him that he is very wrong. Only the next morning he realised that probably Komaeda is enjoying this. After next few hours he realised that this exchange of arguments is in fact quite satisfying. Messages from Super High Schol Level Luck were cynical, blasphemous and provocative, but at the same time surprisingly funny. Hinata was trying to catch up with his schoolwork. Fom time to time he was checking if there are any new messages.

They were talking almost constantly. Not only about mysterious Sir Porkfeet, (whose name Hinata was still unable to obtain), but about Komaeds's comic books, Hinata's homework, some news in tv, and the the article Hinata read in a newspaper. The article was about the student from the Academy, who from a member of Reserve Class turned into boy with so many talents that he was proclaimed „Super High School Level Hope:.

 **Jealous, hm?** asked Komaeda, when Hinata summarized large part of official statement. **When are you coming to the ward with mass destruction weapon?**

****Come on** answered quickly Hinata. **I'm not bringing any weapon. It's my fault. I should've decided to go there after all.****

**You are hurting my feelings, SHSL Hope** Hinata winced a little bit, seeing this nickname. I know, you're rolling your eyes and gaining energy to yell at me for calling you this way and comitting the sin of blasphemy by referring to the humble human being you are with the name reverved to one and only Academy's Project.

Hinata smiled and took a sip of coffee. Komaeda predicted his reaction flawlessly, as always, even though he was sitting with a boy named Sir Porkfeet in the hospital room and playing some board game (earlier messages indicated that that's what they were doing).

**Why am I hurting your feelings?**

**By claiming that you'd be better off in the Academy than here, with us**

**I'm not claiming that** protested Hinata, fighting with the need to use capital letters.

**But you're wondering. You are thinking of what ifs. You are angry with yourself because you had a chance to become that ultimate genius and you forfeit that for the opportunity to go to the normal school and spend time with kids who had their heads cut open and some undesirable things taken out. Which, obviously, is worse, more saddening and pathetic option than being a guinea pig that has its head cut open and many undesirable things placed inside.**

**Bold theory** admitted Hinata. During past few days he learned to react to Komaeda's provocations less nervously. **Why do you assume that they cut open your skull and put something inside?**

He had to wait an hour to get an answer.

**I'm sorry, Sir Porkfeet wanted revenge because he was beaten shamelessly. As it comes to the Academy, think for a while. Only few weeks passed since the beginning of the year. How could they make a genius out of a random guy?And how exectly did they look for his talent?**

**To many robot tales** answered impatiently Hinata. It was evening already and after whole day of studying he felt sleepy. His body still needed more rest than night, SHSL Luck.

He started preparing himself to sleep. He took a shower, came down to spend some time with parents and watch TV together. He made his bed and only after he was already lying under soft, warm douvet, he decided to check his phone for new messages. There were two, both from Komaeda.

The first one said: **Yet you are continually understanding it/ though now you are drained of all meaning/ and out of politeness try to remember/how to be completely afraid.**

He sat in silence for a while, staring at the screen. He was wondering if those words can be in any way referred to their conversation today. It was on of those Komaeda's utterances that seemed to be absolutelly lacking context. They could've meant nothing at all. They could've meant absolutelly everything. He read the message one more time, There was something sad and helpless in those words. There was Komaeda.

He opened the second message and read the explanation that the first was was a line from a poem named „Speaking into candles" that Komaeda was reading and deemend nice enough to share it.

 **Your tales about angels and robots are finished and you switched to poetry?** mocked him Hinata.

**I've always thought that the ability to connect angels, robots and poetry is a basis of harmony and peace of mind**

Hinata couldn't find any arguments against it. He shooked his head with smile and put his phone back on the bedside table. It rang quietly, informing about new message.

**For all of as you are the real Super High School Level Hope. Come back as soon as possible.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Speaking into candles" - Mebh McGuckian  
> I;'m still fighting with formating and I'm sorry.


	6. Sir Porkfeet and simple, earthy pleasures

A week had passed since Hinata came back to school, and another one, since Makoto allowed him to come back to Totoro work and work as a volunteer. First thing that he noticed was the fact that Komaeda actually became a social creature. Obviously, he got that hints from text messages they exchanged and from news Komaru told him, but he decided that he won’t believe it until he sees it with his own eyes.   
And he did.   
When – after dealing with some paperwork at the reception desk - he finally reached the first floor, Komaeda was occupying his favorite place on the windowsill. This time, however, he was accompanied by two boys – overweight blonde teenager on a wheelchair and pink-haired guy with leg in a cast. Two cruthes stood against the wall. All three of them were discussing something in low voice, while observing some scene that took place on the parking lot in front of the building. At first Hinata planned to leave them alone and go talk to Komaru, He had to pass them on the way to Totoro corridor and Komaeda noticed him immediately. As if he was waiting for him for a long time.   
“Here is our Super High School Level Hope” His pale face lightened up with a smile. Silvery-grey eyes became bright. “It’s good to see you here. We have a problem that needs to be dealt with as soon as possible.”  
“A problem?” Hinata raised his eyebrows. He adjusted a strip of his bag and came closer. He looked out of the window to see, what stirred their interest so much. On the parking lot, between cars and bicycles Sonia was passionately kissed by a boy in black coat. Even from his hideout Hinata could see his eccentric hairstyle and tunnels in his ears. He seemed oddly familiar.  
“So gross” said the boy on a wheelchair, with a mixture of terror and awe on his face. “It looks as if he was swallowing her face”  
‘Yeaah” admitted his pink-haired friend. “I wish I could do that…”  
“So gross” repeated the blonde, looking at him with contempt.  
“Can you imagine? Super High School Level Animal Breeder” raged the pink-haired boy. “What kind of a talent is that? What does he do exactly.. an what does he do… you know… with her? Do you think they bite each other or what? Or maybe he trains her or…”  
“You are hopeless”  
Hinata was still staring at the parking lot. Now he remembered, where had he seen Sonia’s lover before. He almost hit him with his sport car, when Hinata was parking his bicycle.  
“I didn’t know Sonia has a boyfriend” he said with certain amazement.  
“Because she hasn’t!” say simultaneously two Komaeda’s companions and looked at each other with pure hate. Komaeda just smiled and gently shook his head.  
“Explain” demanded Hinata. He put his bag on the windowsill.   
‘It seems” said slowly Komaeda. “That Souda from orthopedics” he pointed the pink-haired boy, who gave Hinata a big grin.”and Sir Porkfeet, my fabulous and faithfull roommate” overweight blonde gave Hinata heavy look. “despite their mutual hate, currently have the same enemy”.  
Hinata rolled his eyes and sat on a plastic chair.  
“Explain some more”. 

They spent more or less half an hour drinking coffee from the wending machine and observing Sonia and her boyfriend still making out on the parking lot, until finally Hinata was able to understand what exactly is going on.  
The fact that Sonia started to date her friend from the Academy was problematic for surprisingly big number of people.   
Souda from orthopedic ward, who broke his leg while working at aviation hangar, was absolutely and hopelessly in love in princess of Novoselic. He was even ready to switch X-ray photo of his broken leg to the one suggesting neoplasm, only to spend few days under her care, at least until somebody notices the mistake. That is why he initially tried to befriend Komaeda. Using his legendary luck as an argument, he tried to persuade him into switching the X-ray photos. Komaeda obviously did not want to do this, as it would be much traumatic for simple-minded, overly romantic teenager. So far he limited himself to making promises and postponing the action in time.   
Sir Porkfeet’s real surname was Togami, which made him a second in line to inheritance of local financial empire. He didn’t love Sonia; he didn’t even qualified her as a thinking creature. He knew, however, that his older brother – first heir to fortune of Togami family, and the pride of the Academy – is keeping him company on the ward only because of beautiful Sonia and he is simply using his younger, sick brother to get her attention. He didn’t like it at all and he believed that the sooner this relationship finishes, the sooner his peace of mind will be restored. However, when he saw Sonia kissing with some other boy, it induced sort of twisted family loyalty and he decided that he is still against Sonia dating his brother, but the family honor does not allow to just watch her making out with random guy just picking her up from her part-time job. Therefore it was in Souda’s and sir Porkfeet’s common interest to make Sonia date Souda, and Souda only.  
“And how are you going to achieve that?” asked Hinata in a very matter-of-fact voice and looked at the conspirators. Sir Porkfeet and Souda just shrugged their shoulders and turned to Komaeda. Komaeda looked at Hinata.  
“And here is where your part begins, Super High School Level Hope” he said solemnly.   
“Me? But how?”  
“You see “ Komaeda leaned to him and lowered his voice.”We need our agent outside of the hospital”  
“An agent?”  
“We were thinking of setting them up for something like blind date. Restaurant, flower … princesses love those things, right Super High School Level Hope?”  
Souda was looking at Hinata, silently begging for some sort of confirmation.   
“I guess…” Hinata scratched his head, feeling a little bit out of place. “Yeah. I think so. They like it, in general.”  
”Seee? And in order to make everything work, we need someone who takes care of things personally. Someone, who would help us to arrange Souda’s escape from the hospital and his transportation to agreed place in an appropriate time, not mentioning transportation of Sonia. And me and Sir Porkfeet, of course.  
“And you mean…” Hinata’s eyes narrowed. “Me? Like… everything? From the scratch?”  
“Chill” Komaeda gently patted his back. “Sir Porkfeet is the brain of whole action.We’ll prepare the plan, you just need to take care of details that are beyond our reach.”  
Hinata still looked at them, still unsure. He would have to break the rules. Risk Komaeda’s and Sir Porkfeet’s life. Makoto and Komaru would be angry. He expressed his doubts to the public.   
„Come on, you’re not going to say „No” to children dying of cancer!” said Sir Porkfeet.   
“Souda is not dying” noticed Hinata, who was not going to succumb to such a low argument. “He has his leg broken, that’s all”  
“He isn’t” admitted Sir Porkfeet. „But me and Komaeda are, and we want to taste some simple pleasure of watching someone’s fail and embarassement”.   
That argument prevailed..


	7. Song of happiness

“You like me, Hinata” said Komaeda, when they were walking around the park surrounding Hope’s Peak Children Hospital. He said those words with such conviction, that Hinata stopped immediately. Komaeda stopped as well, putting his hands deep in the pocket of his coat. The sun was shining through colorful autumn leaves, gently illuminating pale face of SHSL Luck and playing in his silvery, ruffled hair.  
It was one of the last warm days this autumn had to offer and Naegi agreed to let Komaeda out on the condition that he will wear warm clothes and he won’t strain himself. He didn’t. They were strolling slowly, sitting on a bench from time to time, and plotting how to safely kidnap Souda from Orthopedy ward and how to coax Sonia to meet him.   
“Is it so?” asked Hinata. He wrapped his scarf around his neck, almost hiding in it. “What made you think so?”  
“Do never ask about how I feel” said casually Komaeda. As if it was obvious that lack of questions about one’s health means deep and unbreakable devotion.   
Hinata felt that something is almost choking him. And that he is flushing. Words said in cheerful, trusting voice hurt as much as punch face. He never asked. Since the day they met and he asked Komaru about his diagnosis, he never mentioned the subject.  
“You didn’t ask about Nanami as well” continued Komeda in low, melodious tone. A dry leaf fell from a tree and rested in silvery strands of his hair. Hinta felt strange urge to take the leaf away. “And I know you liked her the most of us all. From that I take it is a good sign… right?  
“I…” the volunteer swallowed heavily. He felt he should explain it somehow, but he didn’t know where to start. He could only look at Komaeda and hope that he would save him from trouble. He was not disappointed.   
“You’re afraid, aren’t you?” he asked. They continued to walk along the alley. Leaves were rustling quietly under their feet. “You do not ask, because you don’t want to know the gory details. You don’t know what’s wrong with us, how serious our condition really is and how much time do we have left. It’s a popular strategy. Easy to figure out.”  
Only when he said that, Hinata started to have bad feelings. Conviction that Komaeda started this subject on purpose. He realized that Komaeda recently got even thinner, that he has dark circles under his eyes and that his hands are trembling a little.   
The pressure in his throat didn’t want to alleviate. His vision became blurry, he had to wink very quickly, to avoid tears.   
“You’re not… you’re not saying that because you want to suggest how fucked you are?” he asked. It sounded very helplessly. “Are you… getting worse? Are they going to do something to you?”  
„No” Komaeda shook his head. „Nothing like that. Situation normal, all fucked up, that’s all you need to know. Especially since.. you are the last person I would like to talk about it”.  
Hinata looked at him alarmed.  
‘Hm? Don’t you trust me?”  
Komaeda looked at him and smiled. Yellow leaf was still in his hair.  
“Of course I trust you” he said, shaking his head. “But I’m quite enjoying the fact that you are the only person that never asks and sort of ignores the subject”. He got serious all of sudden. “Hinata… every moment when I’m not examined an asked how do I feel.. every moment when people aren’t looking for a sign that I’m getting worse, every moment… “ he stopped, to look for appropriate words. “Every moment when someone is so occupied with their problem that they forget about my cancer is a moment when I forget as well. It’s a moment when I can talk about angels and robots, about Souda’s love drama and even about that stupid kid from the Academy that had his skull cut open instead of you..” they both smiled weakly, thinking of that discussion.” Every moment like that is priceless. That’s why I don’t try to encourage you to ask. I don’t want you to ask. I don’t want you to know too much”.  
“Because by being an egocentric piece of shit and a coward I forget..” Hinata grit his teeth. Let’s call things by their name. ”I reppress the fact that you are ill and thanks to that you forget as well?”  
“More or less”   
They were walking in silence for a longer while. They observed other patients accompanied by parents, nurses or volunteers. Hinata tried to regain control over his voice.   
“Let’s sit down” he suggested, pointing at empty bench nearby.” Naegi said you shouldn’t strain yourself”.  
“Oh please.” Komaeda rolled his eyes. ”Don’t start to worry too much now. You’re not supposed to do that. You’re going to spoil everything”.  
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… I didn’t want you to think.. I just…”  
“You’re not an egocentric piece of shit” said Komaeda, sitting on the bench and rising his head to look up, into the clear blue sky. He closed his eyes in the light. Sun too bright in his loosing eyes, thought Hinata, feeling that the pressure in his throat becomes unbearable. “And you are not a coward. You are Super High School Level Hope. The best thing that happened to me here. It’s just not fair… towards you, I mean”. He gave a small sigh. ”Doctor Naegi says that I should allow you to ask questions... that I should encourage you and be open about it… For your own good. So the situation with Nanami wouldn’t repeat….” He was silent for a while .”But I don’t want to talk about it with you. I know it’s egoistic and unfair but… I don’t want to”  
Hinata stood in front of him, desperately trying to hide his face in a scarf. Never before had he felt so… exposed. So fragile.   
„Komaeda…” he started to speak the moment Komaeda said his name. They both looked away.  
”You first” encouraged Hinata.  
SHSL Luck took a deep breath. He looked into the sky, protecting eyes with his hand.  
“I would like to ask you something”  
“Yes?”  
“Could you…” Komaeda was fumbling for words. Weird. He was usually the one who always knew what to say. ”Would you… like to be my friend? Despite the fact I don’t want to… I can’t talk honestly about certain things?”  
“Moron” grunted Hinata, before he was able to bit his tongue. He touched his forehead with his hand, trying to hide his anger, embarrassment and all the feelings he unintentionally let out.  
Komaeda sat on the bench, crestfallen and disoriented.   
“I mean…” there was resignation in his voice. “I will understand if… In a wider perspective I’m not a good material for a friend, so…”  
Hinata had to admit, that it was some sort of achievement – to make him feel even more guilty than he already felt.  
”Komaeda, listen” he sat next to him and grabbed his thin shoulders, shaking him gently. “It’s not like that… I didn’t mean… And damn, I am a moron, not you” he murmured, while Komaeda was looking at him sheepishly. “You are my friend. Since that evening I told you about the Academy. I think of you as a friend for many weeks now. I need you as a friend, I treat you as such… “ he felt his voice is starting to shake again. “I thought… I was sure that you know, that I made it clear enough. Really, you can talk to me about everything. And be silent about anything you wish… Komaeda?”   
There was no answer. Only after a while he found courage to look up. SHSL Luck was still sitting on a bench next to him. He looked as if he was almost choked to death by giant pincers. Yellow leaf was still tangled in his hair. This time Hinata wasn’t able to resist. He reached with his hand and gently took the leaf between his fingers and threw it away. Komaeda nodded his head to thank him.   
“What did you want to say?” he asked.   
“Och… I just… “Hinata looked at him unsurely.” I just wanted to ask you how do you feel today. Just this time… will you answer me?”  
Komaeda hesitated, allowing Hinata for yet another series of bad feelings and conjectures. Finally he gave a small, triumphal smile.  
”I feel strong enough to go out with you and Sir Porkfeet on Saturday and see how Souda is making a fool of himself”  
That had to be enough, at least for now. 

 

“It is almost heartbreaking” said philosophically Komaeda, looking carefully at Sonia and Souda sitting at the opposite table. “He embarrasses himself more and more with every word”  
“So gross” admitted Sir Porkfeet, his voice overflowing with unhealthy fascination. Hinata was sitting between them, also observing Souda and his poor attempts to win Sonia’s heart. It was a sad and embarrassing view. Souda was dressed in a suit, old and slightly oversized; his pink hair were arranged in some sort of ponytail. Sonia, at the beginning rather neutral and open, seemed more crestfallen and angry each time he opened his mouth. Sir Porkfeet was enjoying himself, granted the number of times he repeated “so gross”. Hinata started to browse through his menu.  
“Would you like to eat something?” he asked Komaeda. SHSL Luck gently shook his head and loosened his tie. He stared at Sonia, who was trying to explain something to her would-be-boyfriend.   
“You sure you’re not hungry?” inquired Hinata. “They have this special offer, you can have two miso soups in price of one.”  
Komaeda again just shook his head. Hinata shrugged his shoulders and waved for the waiter.   
“If you get hungry, I can share” he declared. “Or you can steal something from Sir Porkfeet, he wouldn’t notice anyway”  
Komaeda just smirked.   
After arriving to the restaurant, sir Porkfeet placed a big order for seafood and – as he underlined several times – he did not intend to share. Komaeda and Hinata did not try to protest. Komaeda started to loudly ponder on Sir Porkfeet’s weight and its causes. Was he really so obese because of steroids or because of his delicate palate? Younger of Togami brothers did not intend to answer that. Between prawns and a lobster he was pointing out all crucial date mistakes which Souda was obviously making. At some point Hinata started to wonder, if this evening was really worth all the effort. Only thanks to Komaeda’s luck they were able to avoid nurses, kidnap Souda and pack him – together with Sir Porkfeet’s wheelchair- to the car Hinata arranged. It was a big, delivery van driven by Hinata’s classmate’s cousin, bribed with large amount of Togami’s money. Only thanks to Komaeda’s luck Sonia appeared in the restaurant in the appropriate moment, tactfully agreeing to partake in an experiment and ignoring the observers residing at the opposite table. Now she was almost crying, Komaeda was strangely absent-minded and Souda was about to get heart attack. Finally Super High School Level Princess broke. She took her glass of water and poured it on Souda’s head. Without looking back she walked out of the restaurant, holding bag in her right hand. Sir Porkfeet gave out a small, cruel laugh. Komaeda didn’t even notice the incident. Souda was sitting at his table, sad and heartbroken.   
“So, what do you think?” asked Hinata, getting up from his table. ”We can call it a night, I guess. Trip is over, gentlemen. Mioda’s cousin will kill me if he has to wait some more and…” He stopped, touched by sudden, irrational fear. He looked at Komaeda and suddenly he felt cold. Terribly cold. “Hey, Komaeda, what’s up?”  
SHSL Luck was sitting next to him, bent in half. He held his head in his arms and he was shaking. His face was pale and sweaty. He wasn’t able to speak. He only moaned silently.   
Souda wake up from his stupor. Not caring about his cruthes, he started to jump in their direction on one leg.   
“Komaeda, oi…!” Hinata sat beside Komaeda, gently wrapping his shoulder around him. He looked at Sir Pokfeet and Souda, wordlessly asking what to do. A flicker of panic in young Togamis’s eyes was not a good sign. “What’s going on?”  
“We’ll stay with him” decided Souda. „Go, get Sonia! Maybe she hasn’t left yet. She’ll know what to do. She knows everything…”  
„You are an idiot” declared Sir Porkfeet. “Sonia is Super High School Princess, not a nurse”  
“But she helps on Totoro ward, she is there longer than Hinata, isn’t she?  
“She can be here for one hundred years, for what I care. Playing board games has never made anyone a cancer specialist. Hinata” he sounded very serious. “Call the ambulance”  
“But…” Souda’s face got pale. ”Our plan…They’ll find out. We’ll be in trouble. He will be in trouble…” he looked at Komaeda.  
“Call the ambulance” repeated firmly Sir Porkfeet. “Or give it to me” he quickly took Hinata’s phone. “I’ll call”  
“What about me?” asked Hinata, silently and helplessly.  
“Take care of him” Sir Porkfeet looked at him angrily. “I cannot do it” he added, pointing at his wheelchair.   
Hinata nodded. He decided it would be safer if Komaeda lies on the ground. He pulled his chair away, preparing the space. He gently laid him on red carpet, putting his head on his lap. One of waiters came up to them asking, if there us any way he can help. Young Togami informed him that thank you very much, ambulance is on the way and a bucket of ice would be a big help. Hinata was about to ask why the ice, but he realized that Sir Porkfeet knows what he is doing. After all he suffered from the same condition.   
“Komaeda” Hinata whispered, leaning over him. “Komaeda, I’m here with you, calm down…”  
Komaeda grabbed his hand and pressed his face against it, as if looking for relief. He was shaking. Silent, painful moan was coming from behind his teeth. Hinata wanted to scream. At Komaeda, to Komaeda. At himself, because he agreed to partake in this, because he took responsibility for Komaeda and Sir Porkfeet, because he let them leave the ward. He sat next to Komaeda, until he saw blue lights of the ambulance behind the window. He gently stroked his hair, he tried to talk to him. He pressed ice cubes against his lips to comfort him. And he could do nothing more.


	8. A closeness of many lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, Naegi is the doctor here. Noone ever claimed he is the best one and his decisions are always right.  
> Also, sorry for poor research here. I've never studied medicine, I'm not good at defining patient's condition.

“You are at the same time the worst and the best volunteer I’ve ever had here” said Naegi, furrowing his brows. Hinata cringed. He sat almost on the edge of the chair, clenching his fists. Makoto Naegi promised him serious conversation as soon as he saw him in front of the ICU ward. Finally, after few hours of waiting, the time has come.   
“I…I’m sorry” murmured Hinata, trying to get rid of the image of Komaeda curling on the floor. “I know that…”  
“You are irresponsible” said mercilessly Naegi. “Inattentive. Careless. You are driven by your personal likes and dislikes, you cannot focus on whole group and give all of those kids attention they deserve. You are too focused on your feelings, on your need to be helpful and appreciated. You crave for their acceptance and because of that you don’t know how to refuse them. You took two seriously ill boys from the ward without my knowledge and without even asking about their exact condition and contraindications. You went with them to a place where immediate professional help is hard to obtain. I know that you meant no harm and you just wanted to entertain them but for mercy’s sake, Hinata, have some common sense! Have you watched to many movies about crazy kids with cancer enjoying themselves despite all odds, or what?”   
Hinata’s face was burning. He felt small and miserable.  
“This is a hospital, Hinata” said firmly Naegi. “Patient’s health is our priority. All other activities we undertake to lift their spirits should not be harmful in any way. Do you understand that?”  
‘Yeah…”  
“I must be honest with you” continued Naegi. His face was stern, serious. “After this incident I cannot keep you here anymore, at least not as a group animator. Firstly, you broke the rules, and secondly… Working with a group of sick children is just not your thing. I know that you are trying and you are really engaged, but…” he sighed.” You don’t have what it takes to work in the common room.”  
“I understand” said quietly Hinata. He felt tears burning in his eyes. He knew he can hear something like this. He knew that Komaru complained to his older brother many times and the trip to the restaurant was a straw that broke camel’s back. Naegi left him disillusioned. “So I…I think I’ll just go home”. He slowly got up from his chair. „My parents are waiting for me on the parking lot, they must be worried. Mum says you should drop by for a tea someday…”   
“Wait” Naegi gently shook his head. To Hinata’s surprise he was smiling. He seemed amused. “Didn’t you hear I said at the beginning?”  
Hinata looked at him, crestfallen.  
“I said you are the worst volunteer I’ve ever had” reminded him Naegi, still smiling. “But also the best. Sit down, you look as if you were about to faint.”  
Hinata followed his order. He looked at his employer, wondering where this conversation is really going.   
“Hinata, I have no idea how, but you managed to become friends with two our most serious cases. With two kids so withdrawn and introverted that no one else was able to establish any sort of contact”.  
“What…?But..?” Hinata narrowed his eyes, not sure if Naegi isn’t making fun of him. The oncologist just shook his head.  
“Nanami Chiaki hated whole world because of her illness. Brain tumor made her easily irritable, aggressive, unpredictable, it changed her beyond all recognition” he explained. “Even her parents were afraid of her mood swings and attacks of fury. She was pushing them away”.  
“I had no idea” admitted Hinata. Only now he began to understand that strange, careful distance of her parents. They were afraid to come closer, to destroy the fragile peace.  
“You had no idea, because she was different when you were around. She calmed down the moment she saw you arriving. You devoted her all your time and attention, you gave her something to focus on. You helped her, you don’t even know how much. And Komaeda…”  
“Komaeda” repeated silently Hinata. Komaeda on ICU with an oxygen mask on. Komaeda moaning silently through his teeth and covering his head with hands.   
“Do you know you are the first person he started to talk to?” asked Naegi, sipping another sip of coffee. “Earlier he ignored everyone. Me, psychologist, nurses, volunteers, not even mentioning other patients. He was far beyond it, just sitting and reading his comic books, sometimes walking around corridors. A ghost-boy. And now…” the oncologist smirked. ”He goes out with his friends on Saturday night.”  
Hinata listened in silence. He knew that Naegi tried to cheer him up, but his comment caused another bitter wave of guilt.  
“I’m sorry for that, really… I didn’t want to hurt him” he tried to explain himself. He did not dare to look into his employer’s eyes. “How does he feel now? And what’s with him?”  
“His situation is a bit complicated now. He came to us very late, in the last possible moment. He was very lucky. We wouldn’t be able to save him, had he waited a little more. So far he responded to treatment well, his condition was surprisingly stable but… “  
“But this thing… today?”  
„It’s hard to say at this point” answered honestly Naegi. “It may be sign that the disease is progressing. It may be a false alarm. It may be It may be just the fact that he got too excited with his great escape or an adverse effect of one of the drugs. We need to stabilize him, observe, wait. We’ll find out what was the cause, you can be sure of that. Komaeda is now almost at the end of his second cycle of chemo. If his results are all right and those attacks do not return, we will be able to discharge him.”  
“He’s going home?”  
Naegi was silent. His eyes were very thoughtful.   
“Hinata” he gave his employee piercing look. “I will now tell you something important, but I don’t want it to leave this room, I’m practically breaching doctor-patient confidentiality here. I’m doing it only because I know you for years. I treat you as my younger brother and I know that despite this incident you are rather trustworthy.” Hinata looked at him silently, unsure what to expect. He was waiting “Komaeda doesn’t have home to come back to. Not really. He has a flat on his own, but he has no living relatives. I won’t discharge him without guarantee that someone can take care of him. That’s why I thought about you and your family. “  
“About me…?” asked Hinata. Before Naegi said that, he was ready to stop his speech and offer to take care of Komaeda. Tgought that he has no home or family of his own was unbearably painful. Meanwhile Naegi thought about the same solution, he put it forward himself. Never before Hinata had felt so… appreciated. Trusted.  
“Why so surprised?” shrugged the oncologist. “It’s obvious I thought about you. As I said before, you have no skill to animate the group, but I’m impressed with how are you dealing with individual cases. Especially with this case. I know that you two are friends. Komaeda is very fond of you, you are the only person he would be willing to accept help from. I want you to continue working for me, but not as a group animator in the common room. You’ll just take care of one person. Komaeda.  
Hinata took a deep breath.  
”I agree” he said firmly. ”I’ll take care of him. Let me do it, please”  
Naegi was more cautious.   
“Think it through” he advised. “At least during the weekend. Talk to your parents, discuss it together. Obviously I will talk to them as well, explain them everything. I want you to be aware that the decision is yours and yours only. No one here is going to force you to anything. If you leave now, never to come back, we will not be angry. If you at some point decide that it is too hard for you and you want to withdraw, we will understand. If you don’t want such responsibility but you still want to visit Komaeda as his friend, you are invited to do so.   
“But there is nothing to think about, I agree!”  
“I appreciate that” Naegi smiled again. “But promise me you will think. Do not let your emotions and feel to be needed lead you to something you may regret later. It’s not about you. It is about human. Your friend, Komaeda.  
“I know.” Hinata swallowed.”You are right. Can I see him now?”  
“Naturally. He is now in isolation room. Tsumiki will show you the way. I’ll try to pacify your parents and make them wait for you a little more.” 

“If he wakes up and feels thirsty, you can give him some ice” said Tsumiki, pushing a metal chair in his direction. “Just not too much. Do not turn the light on, let him rest” she kept instructing him. Komaeda was sleeping lightly, like a rabbit ready to wake up with any sign of danger. Silvery hair contrasted with blue pillowcase. He has nasal canula on his face and a sensor on the finger of his right hand. IV drop delivered fluids and analgesics. “If there is something wrong, I’ll be at the nurse station” continued the nurse, slowly heading to the door. Hinata started to suspect that she will never finish. “Don’t sit here too long. I’ll be dropping by from time to time.”  
When the door finally closed behind her, Komaeda opened his eyes.   
“She’s gone?” he smirked. Hinata reached his hand and gently stroke his hair. They were soft and fluffy.   
“Yeah”  
“I was afraid she’s going to talk me to death so for last half an hour I was only pretending to sleep” confessed Komaeda, closing his eyes again.  
“Moron! You should sleep for real. How are you f…”  
The patient just shook his head and put finger with the sensor on his lips, indicating silence. No needless questions.  
“I dreamed of Souda waiting for Sonia in her own bathtub. Naked. With champagne and rose petals. Now I’m afraid to sleep again” he complained. Despite that statement, he was not able to keep his eyes open for more than few seconds.   
“So what do you want to do now?” asked Hinata. He sat on the edge of Komaeda’s bed, ignoring the chair offered by nurse.   
“Can you read to me?” Komaeda looked at his bedside table. One of the nurses or maybe volunteers brought his books to isolation room, probably anticipating his longer stay.   
“Wait, I’ll take out my phone” murmured Hinata, reaching to his pocket. “I need light and if I turn it on here, Tsumiki will come here and talk us both to death”.  
“Super High School Level Hope, always thinking of everything…”  
“Let’s see” Hinata launched the torch mode in his phone and started to browse Komaeda’s books. He ignored few manga volumes and picked smaller book with yellowish pages. One of the page corners was bent, as if marking something. Hinata opened the book there. Judging by Komaeda’s gentle smile, he made the right choice. “Would you like to have some ice cubes?”  
“Are there any?”  
“There are” Hinata reached to the plastic cup Tsumiki gave him and took an ice cube between two fingers. Then his hand wandered to Komaeda’s dry lips. Silvery grey eyes opened, pale and thankful. Hinata put the book on his lap and placed the phone next to it, to ensure proper light. He started to read, still feeding Komaeda with ice. 

There is a closeness of many lights in you  
Like stars moving forward meaningfully  
Every flower in you is everywhere  
Even if you were outside, where the summer was  
You would still be inside every leaf  
Pain opens your hand like a book  
Or a two-syllabe word I find as unintelligible  
As the windows of other people


	9. Forever blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I re-arranged the chapters a little, because it's easier to translate them that way. Because of that the number of chapters in original ff and in translaton may differ slightly.   
> Hinata decided not to become a Kamukura, so obviously someone else had this pleasure, thus the rumord Komaeda and Hinata are discussing. Also - wild Sdgr references everywhere. Beware!

Next two weeks Komaeda spent in the isolation room. Hinata visited him after school almost every day. Now, while parking his bike, he didn’t see Komaeda watching him from the corridor window. Each time he entered the Totoro ward, he felt strangely tense. Evening in the restaurant taught him that he cannot be sure of anything. That situation can change dramatically in just few seconds. Attacks of headache did not repeat, but the patient was still under close observation. Naegi tried to find out what caused the “restaurant episode” and insisted on performing various exhausting tests. In addition, Komaeda’s immunity was compromised because of medicines. He didn’t feel too well. He became thinner, more pale. Most of the time he was sleeping, too weak to leave his bed. When he was not asleep, he lied with his head on Hinata’s lap, listening to him reading or telling stories. He narrowed his eyes because the autumn sun was too bright for him. When he felt better, they talked. With his face buried in Hinata’s shirt, he told the stories about his twisted luck. About unexpected and almost unbelievable plane crash his parents died in, about being kidnapped by a serial killer and lucky lottery ticket. About a wonderful, loyal dog hit by a passing car and other less spectacular cases of good and bad luck tangled and impossible to separate. About two letters, one of which promised success, and the other one – death.   
“You told me about it first time we meet” realized Hinata, playing with his soft, silvery hair. “About the fact that the order in which you opened them decided.”  
“Obviously” Komaeda smirked. “Someone so obsessed about the Academy as you had to remember it.”  
“Asshole”  
“Sir Porkfeet claims that we should not deny ourselves simple, earthy pleasures, and being an asshole is one of them”.  
Hinata sighed and reached for a mug standing on the table. He raised it to Komaeda’s lips, encouraging him to drink few sips of bitter, herbal tea. The patient made miserable face, but he opened his mouth obediently. He was nauseous since early morning and Tsumiki asked Hinata to force him to drink the brew, prepared to alleviate his ailments.  
“Have you ever wondered “he asked, forcing Komaeda to take few more sips. “What would happen if the order was different? If the letter from the Academy was first?”  
He started to regret that question the moment he asked it. It was not a good moment to talk about the Academy. Komaeda just shrugged his shoulders. 

“Nothing to wonder about” he pushed away the mug, indicating that he won’t drink any more now. “I would go to the Academy of Awesomeness, I would become class scapegoat because of my worthless talent and I would suddenly start to feel very bad, without even knowing why, and – knowing my shitty luck – it would be too late to save me. Obviously if I had a chance to feel bad before…” suddenly he started to cough, because Hinata again tried to insidiously make him drink and – alarmed by his words – he tilted the mug too fast. “if you want to drown me, let me know in advance, I don’t want my last words to be about that stupid school” he hissed. He rolled on his back, breathing heavily, as if he really miraculously avoided drowning.   
“I’m sorry” Hinata put the mug on the bedside table. “Can you stop overreacting?” he frowned, seeing Komaeda dramatically grasping his throat and smiling maliciously. “I didn’t try to drown you. I just….”   
He didn’t need to explain. The Academy became a touchy subject, not only for him. Shortly after Souda was discharged from the hospital, Sonia also disappeared from the ward. She didn’t answer Komaru’s phones, there was no other way to contact her. Just as if she disappeared from the surface of earth. There were rumors that she had decided to come back to her country, but it was hard to believe that she would suddenly and without explanation forfeit prestigious school, the work she loved, her little pupils from common room, her gothic boyfriend, everything. No, that explanation was not convincing at all.   
Few days after her sudden disappearance the citizens were informed that, due to some incident of unknown nature, the Academy is closed. Whole situation was very unclear, and –for some reason – very disturbing for citizens, especially those having any connection with the school.   
“That only proves my theory” said Komaeda, when he got bored of playing drowned man. “It’s all because of their fake Super High School Level Hope.”  
“Hm?” Hinata raised his eyebrows. He moved closer to Komaeda and he rearranged the pillows under his back. “Yet another crazy conspiracy theory?”  
“Still one and the same” answered Super High School Level Luck.   
Hinata smiled mockingly  
“I Went To School, They Cut My Brain And Because Of That I Did Something That Caused The Lockdown?”  
“Don’t be so sarcastic all of sudden, it’s very reasonable hypothesis”.  
Hinata again took the mug in his hand and Komaeda gave out a painful sigh. This time he reached for the mug himself and started to drink.   
“I’m not claiming it isn’t” Hinata observed him closely, trying to detect any attempt of cheating. “I was just hoping that you managed to improve it somehow and, for example, you can tell me, what our psychopath with a hole in his head had done to close the school.”  
“Och, I don’t know” Komaeda stopped drinking after few small sips. “Maybe he killed everyone in his class? Or… let’s make it more dramatic. He murdered whole school.   
„Sonia too?”  
„Sonia too” Komaeda nodded vigorously. “And that asshole she used to kiss at the parking lot.”  
“You claim that opening one’s skull and cutting brain leads to killing classmates?”  
“From what I’ve observed here it leads to turning into vegetable and salviation, but one can never be sure. “  
Hinata took the mug from his hand. For a moment he stared at the rest of brownish liquid on the bottom. The patient drank most of the portion. Tsumiki will praise them for good cooperation again.   
“Do you think that’s what they would do to me?” he asked. “If I decided to go there? They would cut my brain and change into someone else? Someone able to kill people?”  
“I think it is quite possible option” admitted Komaeda. He lied on his back, staring at the ceiling. “But you know what?”  
“Hm?”  
“I think that two of us would meet anyway” he said, smilig gently to himself. “I think that even if I had opened different envelope and even if you had decided to become a member of reserve class, we would bump into each other anyway”  
Hinata looked at him, interested.   
“I’m just reminding you that according to your theories you would be a class looser, dying because of his own ignorance, and I would be a psychopath with a pulp instead of a brain responsible for the lockdown” he summarized. “How exactly do you imagine that?”  
“I don’t know” admitted Komaeda. He closed his eyes. “I had the strangest dream last night” he continued, after a moment of silence. “We were on an island, all of as. You, me, Sir Porkfeet, Sonia, her gothic idiot of a boyfriend… “  
“That had to be quite a big island” observed Hinata.”  
”Big enough” answered Komaeda.”There was white sound and ocean and palm trees and all that shit… and Souda was all into Sonia as always… it’s a recurring motif of my nightmares now, I have sort of PTSD after that date… and we were all killing each other because a big, black and white teddy bear told us to do so….”  
“I don’t know what they give you to make you sleep, but I want some of it” said Hinata, “Or, on the second thought, no, I don’t want that” he added, thinking of Sonia and Souda.   
“Anyway I remember one moment” said quietly Komaeda. “I rembember that I was walking along the beach. I looked at the sea thinking that… that I will never allow despair change me, that despite everything, I intend to be forever blue, just like the ocean. That I will always have hope. And then I saw you, lying under the palm tree, all wet and unconscious. I knew that we’ve meet somewhere before and that you were somehow important, but I couldn’t remember why. You woke up, so I asked if you are all right and helped you to get up.”  
Hinata felt that his cheeks start to burn.   
“In your dreams and visions you surprisingly often help me when I lie on the floor” he observed, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Are you obsessing about it, or what?”  
“Maybe I am” smiled mysteriously Komaeda. Suddenly he winced and he sat up, breathing heavily. “Excuse me for a moment” he murmured, trying to stand up. „Bathroom”.  
Hinata stood up as well, ready to assist. There was no need. Komaeda disappeared in the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Hinata heard his convulsive cough and sounds of vomiting. When the patient appeared in the room again, his face was yellowish and sweaty, and there were tears in his silvery eyes. His shoulders were shaking. He did not protest when Hinata came up to him and supported him during walk to the bed.   
“Are you tired?”  
“A little”   
He assumed his normal position, with head on Hinata’s lap. Volunteer covered him with a blanked. He wiped his mouth with a wet cloth and washed sweat and tears from his face.  
“Do you want to take a nap now?”  
“Mhm”  
“I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, okay?”  
“Thank you”.


	10. Call from the middle of nowhere

Christmas were coming closer. Komaeda left the isolation ward and came back to the room he shared with Sir Porkfeet. Naegi started to mention about the possibility of letting him out for few days. On the last day before the Christmas break Hinata did not go to the hospital. His classmates almost forced him to go with them for gift hunting in the shopping mall. It was completely new situation for him. In his previous school no one would ever come up to him to ask what is he doing after lessons. Now, when he spend basically all afternoons in Hope’s Peak, politely excusing himself from other social activities, he become not only liked, but in a way desired. He didn’t mention what he really does in his free time, but somehow everyone knew. Rumors that he works in children’s hospital and takes care of his gravely ill friend melted hearts of all his female classmates and earned him respect of most of the boys. To his terror he found out that he is secretly popular. He decided that he must tell Komaeda and Sir Porkfeet about it. Only they would appreciate the grim irony of being popular because of spending afternoons with dying children.  
Eventually he agreed to partake in the group outing. It was in fact quite a good idea. If Komaeda was to visit him during Christmas, he must receive something. Something special.  
“You’re looking for a gift for your friend from the hospital, aren’t you?” asked Mioda, one of his classmates.  
“Eee… yeah” admitted Hinata, browsing through old action figures. He was aware that it is rather childish and stupid idea, but he was hoping to find some robots from the manga Komaeda liked. Mioda came closer to help him.  
“How is he? If Ibuki may ask, of course…?”  
“Much better, thanks” Hinata smiled to her with this nice feeling that he is telling the truth. Komaeda was indeed feeling much better. The therapy Naegi applied seemed to work. “He may even visit us during Christmas and spend few days. He’s leaving the hospital.”  
“Really?” Mioda grinned.”That’s wonderful. We must really find some special gift for him, right?” she firmly dragged him away from the box with action figures. “What does he really like?”  
“Hmm” to be honest Hinata had never thought about it before. Not in the context of buying Christmas gifts. What does Komaeda like? Comic books about angels and robots, “Speaking into candles”. Autumn.:”I guess… Nice things”  
”Not to worry” she said cheerfully, clinging to his shoulder. He realized that for some reason she is trying to drag him away from the rest of the group. “Ibuki will help you. We’ll find a perfect gift”  
”Thanks” he smiled, trying to figure out what Mioda is really up to.  
Next half an hour they spent walking around the shopping mall together. Hinata had to admit it – Mioda knew many shops with things that Komaeda would certainly classify as “nice”. Not just pretty, but also artistic, subtle, interesting. Finally he found what he was looking for. Seeing that Mioda is busy with browsing through old vinyl recordings, he quickly bought the gift, packed it and put it in his bag.  
“I guess it’s time to meet with the rest of the guys” he said, when they left the store. “We were supposed to go to the cinema, or something”  
“Do you really want to?” she asked. For some reason she suddenly become very melancholic. He just shrugged his shoulders, implying that it is negotiable. Finally they decided not to go to the cinema straight away, but to go somewhere for a quick coffee before the film starts. It was late afternoon already, so it was dark outside. Through the large window Hinata saw white petals of snow falling from the sky.  
“So… uhm…” Mioda took a sip of her coffee. She was gathering her courage to say something. Weird, she was always one of the most loud and cheerful girls in class. “Do you know how is Saionji doing?”  
Hinata raised his eyebrows. He immediately saw tiny eight years old girl in front of his eyes. Recently Komaru was angry because one of the new volunteers turned on the radio in the common room and Saionji started to cry because she wanted to dance but she was too weak. It took hours to calm her down.  
“I had no idea you two know each other” he said, feeling strange pressure in his stomach.  
“She is Ibuki’s cousin” admitted Mioda. He could see how her eyes suddenly become full of tears. He pushed a handkerchief in her direction. “So many times Ibuki tried to go and visit her in Hope’s Peak, but she was too afraid… she couldn’t force herself to go there” she hid her face in the offered handkerchief. “And then you asked her to help organize transport for his friends because you were planning some sort of surprise for them…. And then Ibuki’s mother told her that you are going to Hope’s Peak every day, not because of family or something, but just because you want to help…” she looked in his eyes. “You have no idea how important it is for Ibuki. Really…” she burst into tears. 

“Hey” he gently patted her shoulder. “Mioda, hey, listen…” her eyes were almost invisible under colorful fringe. “If you want, you can come with me one day. I’m not working in common room any more, but I’ll be around if you need to talk.”  
“Really?” she looked at him with gratitude. “Would you do it for Ibuki?”  
“Yeah, sure” he wanted to tell her that he understands and that she should be strong, but he knew he has no right to do it. “Just let me know when do you want to go, ok? We’ll arrange something”  
“Don’t tell the others” she asked, looking down. “Ibuki doesn’t want them to know, that she organizes all that crazy harity events and concerts but she is afraid to visit her small cousin in the hospital. That would spoil her image”  
“Deal” answered Hinata, giving her small, supporting smile. “So, how about that cinema?” he smoothly changed the subject. “We should still be on time to meet with Peko and the rest.”  
This time Mioda agreed with her usual enthusiasm. Still talking about Hope’s Peak they finished coffee and headed to the cinema. Peko and the rest of the class were waiting for them next to the box office, laughing, making selfies and recording films with their telephones. Hinata waved to them and joined the queue to buy the ticket. And then his phone ringed. He looked at the screen and suddenly he felt very nervous. Komaeda.  
Komaeda texted him quite often, usually when Hinata was at school, but it was the first time he called him. And if he decided to do so, something had to happen. His fear grew when he heard quick, shaky breath on the other side of the line.  
“Hey, Komaeda” he said, trying to sound calmly and rationally. “What’s up?”  
“H-hinata?” Komaeda’s voice was muffled by tears.  
“It’s me. I hear you. Tell me, what’s going on?”  
“Are… are you busy now?” asked Komaeda. Hinata was almost able to hear his teeth chattring.  
“Actually” Hinata looked around. Miod and Peko stood in front of the cinema, gesturing that they need to go inside. He pointed his phone and shook his head. He left the queue. “No, I’m free. Why?”  
“Can… can you come here now? To Hope’s Peak?”  
“Sure” answered Hinata, waving girls good bye and walking in the direction of main entrance of the building. “I’m on my way, I’ll be there soon, okay? Wait for me. You’re in your room, right?”  
”I’m nowhere” answered Komaeda in low, helpless voice. “I’m calling you from the middle of nowhere.”


	11. Out of politeness try to remember

“Where is Komaeda?”

That were first words Hinata said after arriving to the hospital. Confused and scared he looked at the corridor painted with pictures of Totoro and his friends. There were people everywhere, tense and nervous, rushing somewhere. Nurses were running to the station and back to ICU. Naegi was arguing with a group of people in smart clothes. They looked as if they just came back from an exclusive party. Naegi talking with a group of nervous, agitated people usually meant one thing: one of the patients got worse. But Komaeda had no living relatives, so it couldn’t possibly be him, right? 

“Did he call you?” asked Komaru. She seemed very disturbed by that information. “What did he tell you?”

“Nothing special” he said, trying to catch breath. He run whole way from the bus stop. He still had melting petals of snow in his hair. “He just asked me to come here”

She nodded. She kept looking at the group of people in front of ICU door. 

“It’s good you’re here” she admitted. “You will help us find him.”

He suddenly felt very cold. 

“Find? Did he run away? How? When?”

“I didn’t notice” she answered nervously. She forced him to take off his coat and to sit on a small plastic chair in the corridor. “I had no time… we had sort of hell here. We still have, in case you didn’t notice.”

“What is going on here exactly?”

“Byakuya Togami is at ICU” she answered grimly. “He is septic, Naegi says he won’t make it through the night”

At first he had no idea who is she talking about. Togami’s son was in the Academy when the incident happened, how possibly…? It took him a while to understand. 

The younger one. 

Sir Porkfeet.

”He and Komaeda have the same diagnosis” he realised. 

„Not exatly the same” precised Komaru. “Komaeda’s situation is more complicated but… yeah, they have very similar problems”

Hinata felt that his legs are shaking. It’s good Komaru forced him to sit on the chair. 

“Was he in the same room when Togami got worse?” he asked.

“Yeah. He was the one to call help”

Hinata didn’t need to know more than that. He had to find Komaeda. Now, as soon as possible. He ignored Komaru and her attempts to stop him. 

Obviously SHSL Luck was not in his room. That would be way too easy. How could he sit in two-person room with Sir Porkfeet’s wheelchair to keep him company, when his roommate suffering from the same illness was fighting for his life on ICU? He didn’t hide in the common room, isolation room, none of the bathrooms or rooms for parents. Hinata got more and more nervous. “I’m calling you from the middle of nowhere”… He kept calling Komaeda, trying to at least locate him by the voice of his ringtone, but that was all in vain. 

“The person you are trying to reach is not available”

Swearing silently he left the ward. He was trying to remember where else Komaeda could hide. When he was feeling better, he used to walk around the whole building, so really, he could be anywhere. Why did they let him go? Why no one noticed?!

Where are you, Komaeda? Where is your “nowhere”?  
Suddenly he got enlightened. 

When he, Sir Porkfeet, Souda and Komaeda were plotting their great Disaster Date plan, they used to hide in a small storage room on the third floor. It was located in the safe distance from the Totoro Ward, close to the elevator and was easily accessible for Sir Porkfeet’s wheelchair and Souda with his broken leg. Perfect shelter. Unfortunately both elevators were busy with doctors transporting patients to different wards. Without thinking much, Hinata found the staircase and run upstairs. As he suspected, the door to the storage room were open. 

“Komaeda?” he asked quietly, looking inside. The only source of light was from the corridor. “Komaeda, are you here?”

He heard someone crying. He moved in this direction, trying not to fall down because of sheets and blankets lying on the floor. Komaeda was sitting in the corner of the room, jammed between a basked with dirty lab coats and a shelf with boxes of medicines. He was almost bent in two, with his chin resting on his knees. Silvery hair covered his face, his shoulders were shaking violently His phone with smashed screen lied on the floor in front of him. So that’s why he didn’t pick up. He just broke it.

“Hi, Komaeda” Hinata sat on the floor next to him. He tried to come as close to Komaeda as possible, but patient’s body fitted between the shelves and basket so well, that there was no place left. Hinata was not able to come close enough to embrace him. “It’s me, Hinata. I came to the hospital, I’m here for you” he reached his hand and gently touched his shoulder. He couldn’t do more, the basked was blocking him. 

“How is he?” asked Komaeda not even rising his head. His voice was hoarse, unfamiliar. It was easy to guess who is he asking about.   
“He’s at the ICU. His family is here. Well, most of it, his brother is still missing”

“He…we were playing cards…” whispered Komaeda. “and suddenly he started to bleed from his nose. So suddenly. He lost consciousness. I tried to help but… they took him away”

„I know. Komaru told me that you were with him” said silently Hinata, still trying to reach him. “How are you?”

That was a stupid question. He knew that perfectly.

Komaeda slowly rose his head and looked at him. Hinata sighed silently. He has never seen Komaeda in such condition before. Tears were streaming down his pale, tense face. He was trembling, his teeth were chattering. 

“That fucker…” he clenched his fist and hit the wall. The wall obviously did not care. “That fucking… stupid…asshole… he was to leave the ward first” he laughed grimly. “He kept repeating that. And he IS going to leave, that son of a bitch, only by different door”

“…And out of politeness try to remember how to be completely afraid” whispered Hinata, suddenly remembering that text message Komaeda sent him some time ago. Pale, silvery eyes widened with wonder and then they brimmed with tears again. “Come to me” asked the volunteer. “Come to me, I can’t take you from here myself, you need to move. Come…”

SHSL Luck somehow managed to leave his safe corner, moving slowly, awkwardly. He stumbled on the pile of blankets and fell on the floor. His whole body was shaking from crying. His hands clenched on Hinata’s shirt. Strongly, desperately, as if he tried to cling to something before drowning. He started to cry so hysterically, he couldn’t catch his breath. He was suffocating with his own fear and pain that reached far beyond his control. 

Hinata dragged Komaeda to himself and closed him in a strong embrace, hiding face in his soft, fair hair. 

“Breathe” he demanded silently. Komaeda’s heart was beating with crazy, uneven rhythm that had to be unbearably painful. Whole body was fighting for the next breath. “Breathe” repeated Hinata, holding him tightly and rocking him gently to calm him down. SHSL Luck was surprisingly thin. Fragile. Helpless.”Breathe, Komaeda. Breathe for me. Please”  
Finally he was able to catch his breath. He buried his head in Hinata’s shoulder. 

“Take me from here” he begged desperately. “Now. Today. I don’t want to be here.. I can’t… not now. Please, Hinata” his voice was breaking. „Take me home”


	12. Art of breathing

It was still snowing and Byakuya Togami was still fighting for his life at ICU. Komaeda was sleeping on the back seat of a taxi, with his head resting on Hinata’s shoulder. Komaru sat on his other side, looking through the window with a very thoughtful expression. None of them was sure how exactly did they manage to steal Naegi from anxious Togami family for a moment long enough to finish all the paperwork connected with Komaeda’s discharge. It took them more than an hour to do so. Determination of doctor Kirigiri – the psychotherapist cooperating with Totoro ward – was certainly very helpful. She confirmed than in this situation taking Komaeda away from the hospital is the only possible option. Anyway, it was just acceleration of the procedures already in motion. The original plan was to discharge the patient two days later. Hinata’s parents were informed about the unexpected change of plans. They did not protest, they just said that the boys need to come home by taxi, because they would be too busy with preparing home for the.   
Hinata looked at Komaeda, who was still half-asleep. He was afraid, that’s for sure. He feared, that he would accidentally hurt him. That he would do something wrong now, when Komaeda is so vulnerable. He looked at pale hand still clenched on his coat. He felt strange urge to raise this hand to his mouth and kiss it. To whisper in Komaeda’s ear that now everything is going to be all right because he is under good care.   
The car stopped in front of Hinata’s house. Komaeda shook his head and looked up, trying to figure out where he is and why.   
“We’re home” said Hinata, opening the door. He paid the taxi driver and walked around the car to open other door and let Komaru out. Komaeda, after a large dose of sedatives, that Tsumiki gave him, was sleepy and absent-minded. He had to lean on Hinata, because otherwise he would fall down, burying his face in snow. Hinata’s father came up to him to take care of the luggage. He said hello to Komaru and Komaeda. SHSL Luck muttered that he is grateful for help, he is lucky to be their guest and he sincerely apologizes for trouble. Hinata’s father just gave him a warm smile and waved his hand indicating that everything is fine.   
“The guestroom is ready” he said cheerfully. “If you need anything, let us know”  
“Komaru, would you like to stay for tea?” asked Hinata’s mother, who greeted them in the door. “I prepared something to eat for our guest but…” she looked carefully at Komaeda, who had problems to keep his eyes open. “It seems that now all he needs is rest. So maybe at least you are hungry?”  
“No, thank you” the girl smiled politely. “Honestly speaking, I’m also half-asleep. Makoto will drop by in the morning, after his shift to check, if everything is fine” he added, looking at Hinata. “And if something wrong happens, me and mum are at home”. Mrs. Naegi also worked in a hospital, just like her husband and son.   
“Thanks” said Hinata, waving Komaru goodbye. “Dad, me and Komaeda are going upstairs now”.  
“Sure”  
Komaeda didn’t say a word when they were walking up the stairs. He was probably too tired and too dizzy to say anything. Hinata kept looking at him, making sure that he is not feeling worse. He showed him the bed and place to put his things. Komaeda fell asleep the moment he put his head on a pillow. Hinata observed him in silence for a longer while. Then he got up to turn off the light. He left the door half-open and he went downstairs to talk with his parents. 

Only after some time, when he was walking up the stairs, he realized how tired he is. Sudden crisis of Sir Porkfeet, searching for Komada and his panic attack almost frightened him to death. They also evoked some strange feelings he was not able to understand at this point. He took shower and changed his clothes. He sneaked into Komaeda’s room with his pillow and sleeping bag. After what Komaeda has gone through today he couldn’t just leave him alone for the night. Komaeda moved suddenly, when his host sat on the edge of his bed. He frowned and blinked few times. Hinata brushed gently his silvery hair and gave him small kiss on the forehead. It was cold. No signs of fever. That’s good. Naegi warned him to be careful, because the fever could appear as a result of stress.   
“Hello, Super High School Level Hope” said Komaeda, without opening his eyes. He smiled gently.   
“Hello, Super High School Level Luck” said Hinata, leaning over him. “Are you even aware of how much you scared me today?” he added, more harshly. “Do not run away like that anymore”  
“I’m sorry” whispered Komaeda. He didn’t sound like someone who is really sorry. “You would run away yourself, seeing the death that awaits you with your own eyes”.  
Hinata sighed.   
“You are right” he admitted. „I’d run away myself. I understand” he ensured him. „Everybody understand. That’s why you’re here. Doctor Naegi and doctor Kirigiri believe that it is the best for you.   
“Thank you, Hinata.” That sounded more honestly than earlier apologies. Hinata smiled and touched his thin cheek.   
“Don’t worry” he said quietly. He felt strangely nervous. “Rest. I’ll take care of you”.   
Komaeda nodded his head and smiled.   
“As you wish” he whispered, suddenly opening his eyes. “Now I’m breathing for you”.   
“Hmm?” Hinata took his hand away, embarrassed and crestfallen. He was not sure what Komaeda is trying to say. SHSL Luck sighed quietly, seeing his disorientation.   
“Earlier in the storage room… “ he explained. “You told me to breathe for you. So I forced myself. I started to breathe.”  
”I said something like this?” asked Hinata. He couldn’t remember what he was saying then. He knew that it was important to remind Komaeda about breathing. But did he really said something so cheesy and stupid? “Damn, Komaeda… you shouldn’t take everything I say so seriously” he said reproachfully.   
SHSL Luck averted his eyes.   
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t.”  
”Komaeda…” Hinata gently stroked his hair.”I know it might’ve sounded strangely and ambiguously and stupid, but… You have no idea how frightened I was. That something would happen to you. That you would get worse…”  
”Right, usually non-breathing can cause worsening the quality of life. Sir Porkfeet knows something about it”  
“Shut up” advised Hinata. „I was afraid. I was worried. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I only knew that you have to breathe. That I must make you breathe, that it’s not your time, you cannot leave now… That I don’t want you to…”  
Komaeda suddenly reached his arms and wrapped them around Hinata’s neck in comforting embrace. Hinata buried face in his shoulder, thinking of how he was worried about him and how he is happy that he is safe.   
“I’m here, Super High School Level Hope” whispered Komaeda, gently stroking his hair. “I breathe for you. I’ve lived all my life to meet you and now I breathe because you wanted me to”.  
Hinata embraced him and closed his eyes. He did not want to do anything, say anything or to explain. He just wanted to stay like that. Screen of his phone lit up, with accompanying vibration. New text message. He felt Komaeda stiffening in his arms, he heard his heartbeat going faster. “Komaeda” he hugged him more tightly, just in case.   
“Hm?”  
“Togami is dead” he said in low, blank voice.  
”I know. I somehow figured it out” answered Komaeda. „Are you going to cry?”  
Hinata did not answer. He felt tears burning his eyes and throat. Komaeda kissed top of his head and buried face in his hair.   
“That’s all right. Me too” 

 

He woke up with his head heavy because of crying. It was seven o’clock, maybe earlier. World behind the windows was still grey and snowy. Komaeda was sleeping, buried in blankets. His right hand was still holding Hinata’s left hand. Hinata decided that he really likes his guest. Just so. He liked his skin, so delicate and pale that it seemed almost blue. He liked soft, silvery hair almost covering his eyes. He liked corners of his lips rising in gentle, kind smile. He liked the way his thin, bony body adjusted to blankets and pillows, to Hinata’s arms. He loved the fact that after the turmoil of previous evening Komada was here with him, safe, under good care. That he can rest, regain some strength and peace of mind. He touched the plastic band with patient’s ID. Yesterday everything happened so fast, they forgot to take it away when Komaeda was leaving the ward. He unfastened it quickly and placed it on the bedside table.   
“You won’t need it now” he whispered.   
“Hinata, the breaker of the chain” muttered Komaeda, still half asleep. He opened his eyes to look at Hinata. “Your eyes are all puffy, you know?”  
“I know” he yawned. His head was still heavy, filled with dull pain. “You too. Any interesting dreams in new place?” he asked to change the subject.   
“Standard set: Souda with guitar singing under Sonia’s windows and Sir Porkfeet observing them secretly. I don’t know if the fact that I’m dreaming about dead people makes it more or less frightening”  
Hinata rolled his eyes.   
“Couldn’t you at least make some effort and tell me that you were dreaming another variation of you helping me to stand up?”  
Komaeda slowly shook his head.   
“No, sorry” he murmured. “But if you want, I can try again”  
“Sleep” Hinata kissed him gently in the forehead. “I’m going downstairs. Parents are up, Naegi was supposed to come here after work. Maybe he is here already.   
He stood up and just in case he covered Komaeda with additional blanket. Smell of freshly brewed coffee was coming from the kitchen. Hinata’s parents were preparing for work, walking between kitchen and hall. Naegi sat at the kitchen table, pale and tired. He was sipping coffee from a large mug.   
“Poor mr. Togami” said Hinata’s mother, looking at the tv screen. Head of Togami family – businessman and very important person in local community – was just giving interview for morning news, commenting on riots that took place in the city tonight. It seemed that he aged few year during just one night. Almost all his hair were now white.   
“To loose both his sons during just one month” sighed Hinata’s father. “Poor, poor man.”  
“Both?” asked Hinata. He poured himself some coffee and he sat opposite to Naegi.   
“Older of Togami boys was in the Academy” reminded him Makoto. “When… you know… when it was closed”  
There were still no whereabouts of the students who lived in the building in which the mysterious Incident took place.   
“And you see” Hinata’s mom gently stroke his hair. “You almost went there yourself… I’m so glad you decided differently. Thank you, Makoto” she turned to family’s friend. “For providing good distraction”.  
“Speaking of which” Naegi finished his coffee. “How is our distraction doing?”  
Hinata shrugged his shoulders.   
“Asleep”  
“Have you told him about young Togami yet?”  
“Uhm”  
“Good” stated the oncologist. He stood up.”I’d better go and examine him before I fall asleep myself” he yawned. “Thank you very much for the coffee” he turned to Hinata’s parents. “And see you soon.”


	13. You got that wrong

During two days preceeding Christmas, Hinata’s parents were still working so he an Komaeda had all the house for themselves. They were not in a hurry, they could do whatever they wanted. Mostly they played video games or watched DVD. Komaeda decided that is high time to educate his best friend as it comes to angels and robots. Because of that they spent lots of time watching episodes of TV series and films. 

“I don’t understand” said Hinata, when the credits of final film began to roll. Frustrated and tired he rested his head on Komaeda’s lap. SHSL Luck patiently started to explain everything, from the beginning. Hinata listened carefully all the time, without even saying a word. He needed some time to process acquired information. He drank a cup of tea. He prepared dinner and they ate it together. He did part of his Christmas homework, while Komaeda sat on a windowsill in the living room with a book on his lap. It started to get dark when Hinata stated:

“Nope, I still don’t understand”

Komaeda just started to laugh and threw a pillow in his direction. 

Komaru was a frequent guest, especially in the evenings. She tried to take care of her pupil even now, when he was out of hospital. Makoto Naegi also visited them at least once a day. They didn’t talk about Hope’s Peak, Totoro Ward or about Sir Porkfeet, but the subject of the Academy kept recurring. It was unavoidable, as in the news the speakers were constantly talking about the Incident or various riots and strikes that were somehow connected to it. 

“The despair flows through this world like a river” said Komaeda every time he saw a broadcast from rebellious districts of the city. “Luckily we have our Super High School Level Hope on our side” he used to add, looking at Hinata meaningfully. Usually Hinata slightly smacked his head with open hand in response. 

On the first day of Christmas they got an invitation for a dinner to Naegi’s house. Komaeda obviously tried to excuse himself, claiming that he is just an unplanned guest and the invitation for sure did not include him, but they didn’t give him any choice. He wouldn’t dare to deny Hinata’s parents anything, especially after the gift he received from them. They liked him sincerely, not only because he was a sick friend of their only son, but also because of the person he was. Knowing that he broke his phone the night Sir Porkfeet died, they decided to buy him a new one. He was moved, obviously, but not as much as when he opened a packet from Hinata. During gift hunting in the shopping mall, he managed to find beautiful anthology of poetry, with graphics and photos. It was actually quite expensive, but for it was something Komaeda would enjoy. There was also a poem Hinata really wanted to read him. 

“It’s amazing” said SHSL Luck browsing through book and touching the paper with his fingers. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. “Really”  
“I have to tell my English teacher about this” said Hinata, when he discovered that Komaeda also gave him a book. The same old, a bit rugged poetry volume they were reading in the hospital. The one with “Speaking Into Candles” “She’ll be so happy, when she finds out that I have a friend I can exchange poetry books with. Such ambitious, sensitive young people” he added, in teacher’s high pitched voice. 

“We’re so boring” admitted laughingly Komaeda, shaking his head. 

“Yeah. I wanted to give you a huge, plastic robot, but Mioda dragged me away and I couldn’t come back to that shop later”

“I wanted to give you a hentai manga based on my dreams about Sonia and Souda but it wasn’t published yet” replied Komaeda. 

While preparing for the dinner at neighbor’s house, they tried to come up with more and more absurd gifts they planned to give to each other and reasons why it was impossible. They continued that discussion even at the table. They stopped when Hinata’s mother made surprised face, hearing that their guest planned to give their son his own hand but he was lacking the equipment necessary for amputation. She became pale when her son immediately observed that it is a nonsense, because for sure he would be able to find appropriate surgical tools in Hope’s Peak. 

“Boys” she hissed, giving them a stern look. After that they ate in silence, exchanging knowing smiles. 

Makoto’s fiancée, Sayaka, attended the Christmas party as well. There were also almost all Naegi’s relatives. After dinner the parents stayed at the table to talk, while Makoto took younger guests upstairs, to his room, desperately trying to organize some kind of activity everyone would enjoy. 

“Komaeda is the killer” said firmly Hinata, looking grimly at SHSL Luck sitting on his left. 

“How do you know?” asked politely Komaeda. 

“Because while pointing the person to kill you hit me with your elbow? You are the killer and you should be executed”

“It was not my elbow, you are just making that up” protested SHSL Luck. “Besides, think for a moment: why would I kill Sayaka? She did absolutely nothing to deserve my wrath”  
“You are a psycho killer, you don’t need motif!”

“It seems that you wrongly understand the concept of psycho killer as such. In fact…”

Remaining participants of the game just looked at two of them with rising interest. Makoto, who – due to his authority – was the game master, rolled his eyes. 

“You two are going to do this to me during every round, aren’t you?” he asked with resignation. 

“I’m just trying to say that we must get rid of him” Hinata pointed at Komaeda. “Before he secretly kills us all!”

“How do you know it is me, not you?” Komaeda still tried to defend himself. “Maybe you are sleepwalking and killing people in your sleep? Or maybe you have split personality?”

“You got that wrong!” 

“Wanna find out?”

“Enough” groaned Makoto, burying his face in his hands. “Enough of this discussion. Who is to be executed after all?”

Later discussion proved that no one– apart from Hinata – was convinced about Komaeda’s guilt. Naegi’s cousin was identified as culprit and executed. Angry and sulky, she turned her back on them and started to stare at the wall. 

“The city goes to sleep” said doctor Naegi, in low, mysterious voice. Remaining players sat around him with their eyes closed. „And it’s dark side goes about dark business.” For a longer while he walked around the circle, consulting the criminals. “The city awakens” he informed in more cheerful manner. “Without Komaeda, who was found in an empty warehouse, gagged, with his hands and legs tied and multiple cut injuries all over his body…”

„Hey” intruded SHSL Luck. ”Aren’t you getting a bit carried away…?”

“And a lance piercing his body at thoracic section of spine” finished doctor. His eyes beamed with satisfaction. 

Komaeda’s smile faded. 

“I’m sure you made all that up to take revenge for distracting you” he murmured. Hinata gently patted his shoulder. 

“Well” he laughed grimly. “At least we know, who is secretly dreaming about murder”

“I will take that into consideration while walking along Hope’s Peak corridors during nighttime”

That caused outburst of merriment among the players. 

 

Later in the night Komaeda fainted on the way to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Naegi and the rest are playing a little simplified version of party game called "Mafia", also known as "Werewolf".https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mafia_(party_game) I've always found the idea behind "Dangandonpa" somewhat similar and I couldn't resist.


	14. The Cruelest Month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Komaeda trying to read T.S.Eliot :)

„How is he?” asked Hinata, when Naegi left the guest room, in which Komaeda slept during his stay at Hinata’s house. 

“He is feverish” sighed Naegi, closing his bag with medicines and putting on his coat. “He got antypyretics, we need to wait. There is no point in taking him to the hospital now. We have Christmas, and I’m here anyway. Obviously if it gets worse, then… “  
“I understand” answered quickly Hinata. 

“And yes, obviously, you can go and see him” added Naegi, answering the question Hinata was about to ask. He yawned. No wonder. He was called in the middle of the night, after whole day of dealing with more and less distant relatives. “We’ll be in touch. Inform me if something seems suspicious. I’ll drop by in the morning anyway”

“Yes, sir”

Hinata looked at his father walking Naegi to the door and quickly sneaked into patient’s room. He was convinced that Komaeda is asleep and he was unpleasantly surprised by the fact that the bedside lamp was on. Komaeda was browsing the book he got for Christmas. 

“Ach, damn” sighed the volunteer, coming closer and taking the book from his hands. “I should’ve bought you that robot. You’d get bored and you wouldn’t stay up all night instead of resting,”

“You should’ve” admitted Komaeda. His eyes were still focused on the book as if he was afraid that Hinata is not going to give it back. The volunteer adjusted cold compress on his forehead. 

“The book will be just fine” he ensured. He put it on the bedside table, so Komaeda could see it. “Come on. Try to sleep”

Komaeda lied on his left side and half-closed his eyes. He was shivering, 

“I just wanted to look at the lilac” he murmured. 

“Lilac?”

“Page fifty five” he said reluctantly, admitting that during few hours he practically learned all the table of contents by heart. Hinata reached for the book again and opened it on said page. The photography of pale violet flowers illustrated the poem of T.S. Eliot. 

“Wasteland” read aloud Hinata and rolled his eyes. “Burial of the Dead” he read the title of first section and he made a significant pause. “April is the cruelest month…. It’s getting better and better” he smirked. “I have to admit, at first I thought that this book is really sentimental and cheesy, but now I see that the editor had really sinister sense of humor”. 

“My favorite” stated Komaeda, resting his head on Hinata’s lap. His face was unnaturally red because of the fever, his breath was shallow and discontinuous. Hinata gently stroke his hair. 

“The picture is nice, though” he admitted. He knew that the patient moved closer only to look at the photograph one more time. “I didn’t know you like lilac so much” 

“Lilac is nice”

“White or violet one?”

“This kind” he pointed at the photograph. “April is really an asshole of a month” he said grimly. He shivered again and Hinata embraced him gently.

”Hm? Why?”

”Firstly: I have birthday then” enumerated SHSL Luck, with his face buried in Hinata’s shirt. “Secondly: the lilac is blowing then. Thirdly: at this rate I won’t live long enough to see neither of those” he finished bitterly. 

“Komaeda…”Hinata hugged him so tightly, that for a moment he was afraid he is going to break his ribs. “You are delirious” he said angrily. “You will live. I will organize your birthday party myself and this time Mioda will not stop me – I will buy you a robot! The big one, few meters high, so you can hide in it and be safe and destroy everyone who would try to hurt you….”he whispered into Komaeda’s ear. “It will be pale violet, like lilac, and the liquid in the plug will also smell of lilac, whole garage will smell of lilac and hope until you get goddamn sick of it”

“And you said I am delirious” laughed Komaeda. His eyes were gleaming with fever, but he was smiling. “You should listen to youself sometimes” he decided. “I don’t understand, how could anyone not fall in love with you” 

In response Hinata leaned over him and gently kissed his dry lips. 

 

The fever started to break in the morning. Only then – under Naegi’s influence – Hinata agreed to get some rest. Earlier he was vigilant. He observed Komaeda fighting next waves of fever. He hugged him, when shivers were shaking his body. He tried to calm him down, he changed cold compress on his forehead, he gave him water. He listened to uneven, accelerated heartbeat. He tried to recognize the signs of worsening. His mother came few times, trying to persuade him, that, though she is full of admiration towards his behavior, she has much more experience in taking care over feverish boys.   
He ignored her. 

He remembered the story about Sir Porkfeet, who suddenly started to bleed during playing cards and then he lost his breath. He was afraid that the same thing may happen to Komaeda. That if he leaves for a moment, something bad will happen. 

“Do I really need to lecture you about your lack of responsibility?” asked Naegi, almost dragging him out of Komaeda’s room. He was a bit shorter than Hinata, yet he held his wrist firmly. “Go to bed. You are washed-out. Half-conscious. If you get sick like after Nanami’s death, we are taking Komaeda from you immediately ” he informed. “He has practically no immunity, your famous I-Caught-Cold-Again-Because-I’m-an-Reckless-Idiot can kill him!”

“Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong!” answered angrily Hinata, trying to free himself. “I just sat by his side! He could get worse any minute and…”

“You barely can keep your eyes open” Naegi was unshakable. He opened the door to Hinata’s room and invited him inside with a gesture. “You are nervous, distracted, your reactions are slowed down. Don’t delude yourself: if something was wrong, you’d be the last person to react properly. You’d panic, like every person who gets no sleep, looking at someone’s face and imagining worst case scenarios.”

“What, should I just leave him alone?!” Hinata raised his voice. “In his condition…? You seriously would advise that, as a doctor?! Thank you very much, I know myself what is the best for him!”

“And that is why you are screaming while being in the next room?” inquired Naegi, sitting on Hinata’s chair. “Right, your marvelous voice waking him up from a nap for sure will make him feel better.”

Hinata did not answer. He sat on the bed, full of resentment. He started to prepare himself a place to sleep. Naegi was right: he was fatigued. Now, after that outburst of anger, he really wanted to just fall asleep. 

“As far as I know, your parents offered to replace you” observed the oncologist. “Few times. You refused.”

Hinata sighed. 

“They really like him, I know that, but… he barely knows them. He would be scared, waking in the middle of the night, without me around”

Naegi furrowed his brows and gave him a warning look. 

“Contrary to what may seem, it is not so easy to scare Komaeda” he ensured. “I think that he would be more uneasy about the fact that you are so interested in his health. He doesn’t seem to like that” he stated. Hinata started to wonder, how Naegi knows about that. Doctor’s intuition? Or maybe Komaeda told him himself? ”Look, I know you are worried” sighed the oncologist. “And that this situation is stressful for you. I am partially responsible, since I asked you to…”

“You didn’t have to ask me for anything” answered harshly Hinata. He lied on his bed and covered himself with the blanked, trying to suggest that he really wants Naegi to leave. “I would do it anyway, regardless of your opinion”. 

Naegi stood up. 

“I know, Hinata” he sighed. “Still, I feel responsible” 

“Needlessly” answered Hinata, barely audible because of the blanket and pillow. 

“I’m going to see Komaeda now” communicated Naegi. “Get some sleep, rest. And.. one more thing” he said, standing in the door. ”I want you to start seeing Kyoko after Christmas”

“Doctor Kirigiri?” asked blankly Hinata. He gave Naegi distrustful look, which the oncologist couldn’t obviously see because of the blanket. Kyoko Kirigiri was a psychotherapist working on Totoro Ward. She worked with young patients, she also created a support group for their families. “You mean… like… therapy? Why?”

“It will help you” decided Naegi. “And I will be calmer” 

Without waiting for any sort of comment or protest, he closed the door, leaving Hinata alone. The volunteer furiously threw the pillow at the door, feeling he is about to cry. Dry, choking sob broke free from his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Komaeda's love for lilac and poetry is my headcanon   
> Also, fun fact about the author: Komaeda and I share birthday date :)


	15. The Eyes That Have Seen The Lights

„Is April still an asshole?” asked Hinata, passing Komaeda, and gently patting his head. SHSL Luck looked up from his book. He was occupying his favorite spot at Hinata’s house: on the windowsill in the living room. He was wrapped in a blanket, a cup of tea stood next to him. According to the clock hanging over the fireplace it was three in the afternoon and outside it was already getting dark. 

“Still” Komaeda’s answer was short and definite. “In some cases I am insanely stubborn, especially as it comes to stupid prejudices towards certain months. Did you get enough sleep?”

“Uhm” answered Hinata and yawned. He opened the fridge, took a bowl of rice with vegetables and put it in the microwave. “You?”

Komaeda just nodded his head.

”Wanna eat with me?” invited Hinata, when the microwave with loud ‘beep’ announced that the dinner is ready. 

“I’ve already eaten” answered Komaeda, smiling politely. „With your parents. They said that they’re going to visit that aunt you particularly hate and they will be back later.”

“Copy that” 

Atmosphere for sure was tense. Words sounded awkwardly in empty living room lit only by colorful lights on the Christmas tree. 

Komaeda stared in the window. He reached with his finger to the glass painted by the frost. 

“This one here looks like a twig of lilac” he said.

“Hm?” Hinata looked in his direction. He sat on the sofa eating his rice. ”Really?”

“If you tilt your head like that” SHSL Luck narrowed his eyes to see better. “But if you tilt it in other direction, then no” he added, slightly disappointed. “That sucks”.

He covered himself with blanked and rested his chin on his knees. Hinata kept eating, looking at his guest from time to time and wondering if it is really good idea for him to sit here, so close to the window. After that feverish night he should be in bed. He seemed stronger than in the morning, but he still looked pale and helpless. The Christmas lights reflected in his silvery eyes. 

“I’m going back to Hope’s Peak after Christmas” he said quietly. 

“I know” muttered Hinata, looking in his bowl. Suddenly he didn’t feel hungry any more. He knew that Komaeda is going back to the hospital. They both knew that. Naegi was quite clear about that.

“I’m starting my third cycle of chemo” 

“I know”

“Sir Porkfeet was during third cycle when…” 

Only then Hinata looked up. He felt a little bit nauseous. The blood was throbbing in his head. 

“You didn’t know that, did you?” asked Komaeda, giving him a defiant look. 

“N-no” Hinata carefully put the bowl on the table. His hands started to tremble. “I didn’t know. I had no idea”

SHSL Luck looked at him seriously. With determination.

”Today Naegi forced me to promise that I will talk to you” he admitted, trying not to look away. His hands clenched on the blanket. “That at least once I will speak with you honestly, and I will tell you about my condition”.

Hinata nodded. His movements were stiff, mechanical, as if he was a robot. He opened the dishwasher and put the empty bowl inside. He closed the door with maybe a little bit too much force. He was aware that SHSL Luck is observing him. He came to the windowsill and opposite to Komaeda. 

“All right” he said quietly. “Speak” 

They were both silent for a longer while. Snow petals were falling slowly behind the window. There was a car passing by in the distance. 

“My prognosis was never really good” started Komaeda. “The thing that happened to me is a really mean form of this illness. One of a kind. Because why not, I’m SHSL Luck” he smirked.”I came to the hospital in the very last moment. They wouldn’t be able to do anything for me, if I had waited even a little longer. If I had decided to go to the Academy without opening that letter, I wouldn’t have survived long enough to see the Incident. Anyway, I came only because I thought that it was some sort of mistake. You know, one of those you hear about now and then. Someone got really bad results of the checkup and they were sure they are dying, whereas someone else was dying and they were completely healthy. That would be so typical.” He stared at the snow behind the window. “Obviously Naegi repeated all the tests, just to be sure it is not a mistake. He claims that I had a lot of luck” he grimaced at the very sound of this word. “Generally speaking I didn’t care that much, at least at the beginning. I already got used to the fact that I’m screwed. I was sure that this time – like always- my bad luck will be rewarded by a strike of really good luck. When we bumped at each other on the hospital corridor, I was sure of that.”

Hinata gave him an inquiring look.

“What… what do you mean?” he asked, blushing slightly. That was not the first time Komaeda gave that sort of comments. 

SHSL Luck sighed. He tried to come up with most suitable words. 

“I think that…” he hesitated. “It is something that doctor Kirigiri was trying to explain to me…” 

Hinata raised his eyebrows. Doctor Kirigiri. Kyoko. The same Naegi wanted him to meet after Christmas. 

“I heard that you do not talk to the therapist”

“I don’t. But sometimes I listen to what she as to say and I try to remember, if I think it is worth it. Anyway she said that people, who experienced something traumatic… whose life is very chaotic and lacking of control and sense… people like me“ he smiled bitterly, “sometimes try to give this sense to certain things, places, people… Mostly people. You see, whole meaning of life, of world is ascribed to something absolutely beyond our power, something separate from us. We claim that there is a thing we need to find, a mystery to discover, a person to meet… at some point meeting that person seems to be the only reason we are still alive” he looked sheepishly at Hinata. Hinata looked down. “Because we have a feeling that we have some purpose, some final destination. That there is some meaning in this chaos, that our live will make sense if we succeed.”

“And you?” asked quietly Hinata. “Do you have something like that?”

“I… at some point started to believe that the only reason I am still alive is the fact that I had to meet you”. 

Hinata looked up and he met Komaeda’s silvery eyes. He still could see the reflection of Christmas lights. He quickly averted his gaze. He felt that his heart is about to jump out of his chest. He had no idea how to react. SHSL Luck seemed to think that no reaction is needed. He just continued talking. 

“I didn’t care about my condition” he came back to the previous subject. “Naegi set my medicines correctly, I wasn’t in pain or anything. Compared to other guys I felt relatively well. Besides I still deluded myself that it is just a temporary situation, that it’s a misunderstanding that is going to be explained any time. That is why at the beginning I kept my distance. I felt nothing but contempt for those brats, for nurses, for Naegi and his stupid volunteers.

“For me too?”

“Obviously” smirked Komaeda. „Don’t you remember? I claimed that you are just a stupid kid obsessed about the Academy and secretly envying me my lucky letter that in my situation is less than useless.”

“Right” Their first rather fierce conversation were still vivid in Hinata’s memory. “How could I forget…”

“When Nanami died and you did not come to the hospital for few weeks, I was about to go insane” admitted Komaeda. “I had some sort of worsening, for the first time I really started to feel that I am ill and weak. And what is more you quit coming. I was really afraid that I was too harsh for you the other day, telling you all that stuff about your school… that you are too hurt and you will never come again. I was worried about you…. That Nanami’s death broke your heart and no one did a thing to protect you or prepare you for that. I was angry with doctor Naegi and Komaru that they allowed you to come so close to her, to become attached, even though they know how serious is her situation. That’s why I decided to contact you somehow. I found Komaru’s notebook and got your number. I needed to make sure that you are all right and that you are going to come back to us. Shortly after that Sir Porkfeet appeared” he winced. “I was afraid of him” he confessed. ”You have no idea…”

“I knew that” realized Hinata. “All the time. Those messages you wrote about him. You didn’t even want to tell me his name. It was no cynicism, it was just an attempt to hide something… fear. You were afraid because he had the same diagnosis?”

“Not exactly the same. But similar enough to identify with it. I saw in what condition he was when they brought him there. Big, swollen, with that wheelchair and everything. He laughed at me when I said that I’m doing fine. I was scared, that I will be just like him, that feeling good for a brief period of time means nothing. He liked to talk about it. He knew that it scares me and makes me anxious, he felt that he has power over me. He liked having power over people. 

Hinata gave him a sympathetic look. 

“I thought you are friends. You, him, Souda”

“Friendship is quite a complicated thing, Hinata. Especially in places like Hope’s Peak. I didn’t really like him and I was afraid of him, but… he was a strong personality. He had authority, some sort of charm. In a way he really was a sir, a noble knight fighting his own demons. I admired him in a way and I felt drawn to him, so two of us hanged out a lot. I was happy that Souda is his scapegoat, not me. He was mocking him, humiliating him, making fun of him, He could afford that, because Souda was healthy, apart from that small fracture. He knew nothing of life, as Sir Porkfeet used to say. I was just a neutral trash. I kept him company, I entertained him. I was afraid of what was happening with my body, I was afraid of Sir Porkfeet, of transforming into him… That I will hate everyone, mock everyone and that everything will seem gross to me. I was afraid most of the time, I started to have troubles with sleeping. The only moments when I was not afraid were those spent with you. With you I was still able to pretend that everything is okay. I didn’t have to talk about my results, therapy, symptoms, all that Sir Porkfeet was tormenting me with. I wanted it to stay that way. I wanted you to remain the only person that is beyond all that”. 

“Och” Hinata looked at his hands. He was clenching his fists so strongly, that he had small red marks on his skin. He kept thinking about what he should say. About what he wanted to say. He was afraid to interrupt Komaeda, who continued his tale. 

“After that evening in the restaurant I knew, that is not going to be easy. That it is overwhelming me, that I am too weak, that the odds are not in my favor. I understood more and more about my illness, about how it all works. What hurt me the most was that you had to witness that. You saw it yourself. It’s not like I don’t trust you” he said quickly, seeing Hinata is opening his mouth to say something. “I just… I didn’t know how much you are able to bear. I didn’t want to burden you."

“Moron” hissed Hinata. Komaeda just smilled and shook his head. 

“When I found out about that deal with Naegi… About the plans to take me home for Christmas, I did everything to make it happen. To get better and be allowed to visit you. To stop being so unbearably afraid of everything even for one day. And then Sir Porkfeet died. I felt so helpless, so scared, more than ever before. I saw what was happening to him, the blood, the fight for every breath. I saw them taking him away. Only then I understood so clearly how bad is my situation. How all of this is cruel and unpredictable. I can get worse any second, without any warning signs, just like that… “ he was silent for a moment. He tried to regain control over his voice. Hinata held his hands gently, preventing him from tearing the blanket. “He… he was in the middle of treatment. He was ill longer than me and his body was more destroyed but… my results are worse than his, at this point. Much worse, almost at the beginning of the way. That fever yesterday was not a good sign. Naegi told me today that he cannot promise me anything… That my chances for finishing the third cycle are fifty-fifty. There might be some” he took a deep breath. Complications. And even if I survive, even if I don’t die because of stupid infection or adverse effects of drugs, it is hard to say if the results will be satisfying. Maybe they would need to repeat the therapy. After what happened to Sir Porkfeet, Naegi does not want to lie to me” he finished. 

Hinata realized that it is probably time for him to say something. 

“All that” he swallowed” “All the things you are telling me now… why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I knew you are going to cry” 

“I’m not going to cry!” snapped Hinata, feeling that tears are burning in his eyes for a longer while. Komaeda moved closer him and wiped tears with his finger. He forced Hinata to turn his face in his direction, 

“I’m a low, egoistic trash” he whispered. 

Their lips met halfway.

“You are not a trash” whispered Hinata between quick, nervous kisses. “You are Komaeda.”

“Those are synonyms”

“In what language?”

Komaeda’s kisses were a bit awkward, unsure. His hands started to touch Hinata’s body. For the first time the volunteer realized with such clarity that Komaeda wants him. Komaeda loves him. Komaeda desires him.

”You are not a goddamn trash” he whispered, still kissing him desperately. ”Don’t insult my taste….!”

Komaeda pressed his forehead against Hinata’s forehead and closed his eyes. For a moment they enjoyed kiss longer and deeper than previous ones. More real, more real than everythinh Hinata has experienced so far. His hands got under SHSL Luck’s T-shirt. Fingertips brushed pale, delicate skin. Then Komaeda backed off. Just like that, without any explanation.

”I’m sorry, Hinata” he whispered. „It’s not all right”

”But you want this”

Komaeda slowly nodded his head. 

“Like nothing in his world” he said solemnly. 

“I want that too. So it is all right.”

 

“It is not”

“You got that wrong!” Hinata raised his voice. 

In response Komaeda just hugged him. Suddenly, strongly, in almost suffocating manner. Hinata heard his heartbeat, so fast, so loud. He had no idea how long did they sit like that. The street behind the window was completely dark. 

“Sometimes it is like that” said Komaeda, still holding Hinata in his arms. “When we are preparing to say something… We look for appropriate words, we make all speech in our heads, we change it, prepare alternative versions. And then, when the moment comes, we still don’t know what to say. We think that maybe it is better to remain silent, but it’s not the right way. We need to force ourselves. To say first thing that comes to our mind. Even if it hurts, even if we feel stupid, we need to try, however awkward it may seem. Because later, when we look back those words seem the best in given situation” he gave Hinata uncertain look. “Or the worst. But still… we need to try”. 

„I haven’t even noticed when you turned into a philosopher” said Hinata, shaking his head. He smiled. He felt a little better.

”I’ve always been a philosopher. I used to hide it because I was afraid of discrimination”

“You didn’t need to” Hinata gently stroked his hair. “I like when you are a philosopher. You are smart. I’m into it”

“Since when?”

“Since always. I used to hide it because I was afraid of discrimination”

Komaeda sighed. He wrapped his hands around Hinata’s waist.

”I don’t want to destroy you” he whispered in his ear. “I don’t want you to get too attached… I don’t want to come closer, to open you and then leave you alone with it. I don’t want you to see a person, with whom you may feel emotionally bonded…”

“In love”specified grimly Hinata. Komaeda’s arms wrapped around him tightly, as if SHSL Luck tried to silence him. “For the first time in my life. I fell in love with you. Do you understand?”

“I don’t want that person to leave you. I don’t want you to witness their death…. Especially this kind of death. If something goes wrong, things can get nasty… you’ve already had the taste of it…”

“I don’t care” said sharply Hinata. “I don’t care what will happen if something goes wrong. I don’t care for what ifs and black scenarios. I know it will be ok. You will recover, your luck will turn! Trust me, I’m Super High School Level Hope!

“But what if not…?”

“If not then… you can break my heart” he decided. “I let you do it. I’d be honored if someone like you would like to break my heart.”

Komaeda wanted to say something, but Hinata just grabbed his shoulders and shook him gently. 

“Listen! Hey, listen! I don’t care about it now. And I know you don’t give a shit as well” he looked into his eyes. “I already know who you are. I just needed to make sure”

“About what?”

“You are just as egoistic as me” 

SHSL Luck looked at him intensively, probably dealing with major internal struggle. 

“Promise me something” he demanded, touching Hinata’s cheek. 

“Hm?”

“You will listen to Naegi. You will contact with doctor Kirigiri.”

Hinata sighed and nodded his head, without much enthusiasm. Only then Komaeda kissed him again. Deeply, desperately. 

“Later this evening” he whispered, pulling him closer. Through the window they saw a car parking in front of the house. Hinata’s parents were back. “Come to me later this evening. Make love to me. Okay?”

”Okay”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently Hinata's parents are most chilled parents ever and having seriously ill guest doesn't stop him from visiting family so the main characters can have a deep conversation ;p


	16. To a Stranger

Hinata was a little bit relieved by the fact that tonight his parents were going out to theatre with mr. and mrs. Naegi. Komaru and her older brother stayed at home, knowing that at some point Hinata may need their help.   
“Answering the question you were about to ask” said cheerfully Komaeda, when Hinata opened the door to the guest room. He was sitting on his bed, reading one of his comic books. “Yes, I still don’t like April. Stupid month for birthday. Breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire and all that stuff.  
“I…” Hinata swallowed. Suddenly he realized how nervous and shaky he is. “How are you?” he asked.   
Komaeda gave him a careful glance.   
“Are you asking in hope to excuse yourself from our deal?” he asked quietly. “Or because you try to assess what are the odds that I start dying in the middle of the procedure, traumatizing you for the rest of your life?”  
“N-no” answered Hinata, shaking his head. He was aware that he started to blush. “Just so. How are you? I want to know how do you feel.”  
”I’m feeling okay, Hinata” Komaeda smiled gently. “Everything is fine. I’m not in pain. Thanks for asking”   
Hinata sat on the edge of the bed, gently touching Komaeda’s hand. His stomach was clutched in a tiny ball.  
”And you know…mentally?” he inquired. He knew that it’s a stupid question, but he still wasn’t through with what Komaeda told him about his condition. “Are you afraid?”   
Komaeda just shrugged his shoulders.   
“I’m SHSL Luck” he said, smiling bitterly. ”Fear is my life.”  
Hinata felt as he was about to choke. With Komaeda’s words. With all his gestures. With everything he was about to say and do.  
”Come here” invited Komaeda, opening his arms. Hinata moved closer, allowing Komaeda’s hands to wrap around his waist. He felt his warmth. He felt his breath on his neck. Thin arms were embracing him, Komaeda’s heart was beating next to his ear. Slender, pale hands were stroking his hair. Apart from bedside lamp there was no other light.  
”And you” asked quietly Komaeda, with his cheek touching Hinata’s cheek. “Are you afraid?”  
Hinata didn’t know what to say. On one side he was afraid. The same as Komaeda, he felt that fear is all his life. Anxiety that he will not be able to manage on his own, that he will not meet the expectations, that he will dissapoint his relatives, friends, everyone. But now, when Komaeda was next to him, fear was just a distant, dim sensation.   
“I’m afraid less when you are here” he decided. Komaeda gently kissed his hand. His other hand wandered under Hinata’s shirt. Cold touch was tickling his skin. It made Hinata at the same time very happy and very sad. He shivered.   
“You don’t need to be afraid” said quietly Komaeda, “I’m with you. I’m not planning to die”  
“I know”  
“I don’t want to die”   
“Then don’t” asked Hinata. He kissed Komaeda. “Breathe. Breathe for me”   
SHSL Luck answered with longer, more enthusiastic kiss.  
“Okay” he whispered. His lips moved to Hinata’s neck. It was pleasant. Hinata swallowed. He still felt gentle, slim hands touching his body. Curious, longing. Trying to know every millimeter of his skin, to learn it by heart.   
“Can I…” Hinata swallowed.”Can I do it as well?” he asked shyly. Komaeda gave him an inquiring look. “Can I touch you?”  
”Do you want it?” SHSL Luck seemed surprised.  
”Yes. I do. Badly. Please”  
Komaeda reached for his right hand. He placed it on his stomach. Skin was warm. So thin, that it reminded paper. So thin that one incautious movement could cut it, lacerate it. He realized that never before had he touched something so delicate and fragile. So beautiful.   
Komaeda bit his lip. He buried his face in Hinata’s shoulder. One hand was moving along volunteer’s spine. The other one delicately started to unzip Hinata’s trousers.   
“Are you sure that you know what are you doing?” asked Hinata, a bit alarmed by this movement.   
“Of course not” answered Komaeda. “That would spoil all the fun”.  
Hinata didn’t really feel encouraged by this answer, but he did not protest. He trusted. He knew, that Komaeda is good. Komaeda is delicate, sensitive, so fragile himself. Komaeda will not hurt him. He accepted his kisses and his touch. He was breathing nervously, trembling in his arms. He moaned silently when Komaeda slid into him, trying to prepare him for more of this strange closeness. He held onto Komaeda’s hand, his delicate, paper-like skin, his eyes, for which risen sun was too bright, his words bitter like smoke and warming inside. He bit his lips, he allowed Komaeda to slowly tame his body, to prepare it. And finally Hinata felt that Komaeda is filling him. Completely, excruciatingly, ultimately. For a moment he held his breath, realizing what happened.   
Komaeda opened him up, only to play him like an instrument. To force him to moans, whispers, promises. To make all muscles tremble, to make the blood burn in his veins. To be there for a moment, get under Hinata’s skin and then leave him, opened and vulnerable.   
Hinata felt that he wants to cry, that the tears are choking him again. That all of this is in a way hopelessly sad. Komaeda’s movements- faster, more intense, his hot breath on Hinata’s neck, his thin wrists. The extent to which he possessed Hinata, the way he grew into his life. The wound which he is going to leave if he fails and dies. It hurt. It was burning in his chest. It drew Hinata insane. The wave of pleasure flowing his body was also sad and made Hinata cry for real. He cried like he had never cried before.   
“Hey” Komaeda’s voice was worried. Anxious. “What’s going on? Everything okay?”  
”Yeah” answered Hinata.”It’s just…. I got emotional” he admitted reluctantly. That was the truth. Nothing has ever moved him as much as Komaeda in this moment. Nothing has ever made him feel so disarmed and shaky.  
He did not protest when SHSL Luck just hugged him. He started to sob like a little child. Porcelain, gentle hand that was giving him so much pleasure a moment ago, now was comfortingly stroking his head. Komaeda’s heartbeat was still accelerated, what made Hinata cry even more.  
“And now I’m all in your tears…”   
“I’m sorry” he whispered, when he was able to control himself. “I didn’t want to scare you. I destroyed everything”  
“You didn’t” Komaeda gently kissed his forehead. He seemed happy, despite Hinata’s outburst. ”You were amazing. Apart from that gross sobbing, that was kind of a turn-off” he smirked.  
“Fuck off”  
“I love you, Super High School Level Hope.”  
Hinata embraced him tightly. The world was coming back to its rightful place. Komaeda’s body, naked and warm as always perfectly adjusted to his arms.   
“I have a small request” he murmured, when SHSL Luck wrapped them both with soft blanket. Only now he started to feel really good. Warm. Safe.  
”Hmm?”  
”Pass me that poetry book of yours”  
Komaeda reached to bedside table and found the album. Hinata quickly started to browse through it, trying to find the right page. A poem, he wanted to read to Komaeda. A poem, because of which he bought the book in the first place.   
“Read” he ordered, giving the book back to Komaeda. The poem was illustrated by a photography of an autumn leaf. SHSL was reading aloud, from time to time looking up at Hinata.   
“I am to wait—I do not doubt I am to meet you again,” whispered Hinata’ when Komaeda’s voice broke and he was not able to continue reading. “I am to see to it that I do not lose you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hinata's parents:   
> "Honey, let's go out tonight, I think our son is going to have sex with his terminally ill boyfriend"  
> "totally good idea, he is not traumatized enough" 
> 
> Poem Hinata wanted to read to Komaeda is "To a Stranger" by Walt Whitman: http://www.bartleby.com/142/52.html


	17. Evenings We Don't Want to Die Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I published the original, Polish text more than one year ago. In the meantime I wrote some additional scenes and dialogues, but I was too lazy to edit the chapters on AO3, they exist only in fanfiction.net version. But since I am doing the translation now, I decided to publish the whole thing, together with those few additional scenes.   
> Risen Sun Too Bright, extended edition, here we go!

Everything was fine. Naegi was quite optimistic.  
After coming back to Hope’s Peak Komaeda started next cycle of his therapy and he was managing quite well, at least physically. Emotionally he was in pieces and Hinata knew that very well. Nothing new. Everyone was in pieces now. Saionji’s family, Togami family, families of all the Academy students. Sonia was still missing. Prestigious school that was supposed to bring hope to the world was still closed and the rumors and doubts concerning it made the citizens even more anxious. In January there was no week without riots or assassination attempts. In Febuary the whole country was on the verge of total war and chaos and Hope’s Peak was on the verge of closing. The atmosphere was unbearable, especially since the weather was particularly cold, snowy and gloomy. This winter everyone was in pieces and therefore no one considered Komaeda’s decreased mood as something disturbing. Everything was on the right track. It had to be.  
After few weeks the patient was transfered to the isolaton room. Just as before he mostly slept or lied with his head on Hinata’s lap. Hinata tried to spend as much time with him as possible. On few occasions he even managed to trick Naegi and Tsumiki and he was able to stay in the isolation room for the night. Very often he was accompanied by Mioda, who – after Saionji’s death – decided that she needs to commemorate her cousin and also become a volunteer. She was a good ally in stealing time for Komaeda. She was compassionate, she wanted to help and she knew how to draw staff’s attention away from Hinata. 

 

“So, it turns out that technically speaking it is not metastasis” said Komaeda with ostensible ease. Hinata was looking at him, pale and frightened. He was opening and closing his mouth, looking for suitable words. “Naegi explained that to me” added SHSL Luck, before the volunteer was able to say something. He stared into the white ceiling. “Metastasis is when the illness attacks other, distant part of the body. But in my case everything is connected. You see” he sighed quietly, “in fact it flows in me. It travels through whole body, wherever lymph nodes are. It has access everywhere… everywhere,” Hinata grasped his hand and held on to it. His eyes were full of fear, disorientation. Komaeda just smiled bitterly, trying to get rid of tears that filled his eyes. “So we cannot really talk about metastasis. It’s like now my whole body is made of cancer. They made CT” he admitted. He was blinking quickly, but the tears did not want to stop flowing. “And I lit up. I lit up like that Christmas tree in your living room”.

Hinata was silent for a longer while. 

“Come here” he whispered. He put bot his hands on Komaeda’s cheeks. He leaned over him, so their foreheads were touching. “Hope, Komaeda” he whispered firmly. „Hope. We must have hope”

”You are stupid” murmured Komaeda.

“I Know. Hope. Listen, Komaeda, hope.”

”Hope”

 

”Where are we going?” asked Komaeda, when they passed hospital gates. His voice was tired and sleepy, but there was a spark of curiosity in pale, silvery eyes. Hinata smiled to him. He adjusted his scarf and cap and he pushed the wheelchair. 

“You’ll see” he said cheerfully. “You’re gonna love it”'

“Mhm” said quietly the patient. 

In the daylight he looked even worse than in the white hospital room. Pale, skinny, with dark marks under his eyes. A ghost boy. He had a nasal canula on his face, the oxygen bottle was attached to the wheelchair. Hinata was pushing him forward, trying to avoid the piles of snow and mud. 

“How’s your breathing?” he asked, leaning over his shoulder. “Better?”

“Much better, thanks” Komaeda looked at the hospital building. “Fresh air is marvelous”

“I agree. Are you in pain?”

„No. It’s okay”

”You will let me know when you start to feel bad, right?”

“We have a deal”

“Aren’t you cold?” inquired Hinata, stopping, to zip Komaeda’s jacket. The patient just shook his head and smiled gently. 

“I love you” he said quietly. The only answer was a kiss in a forehead. 

They continued their travel. Hinata stopped three times more, making sure that everything is all right. When he stopped fourth time, Komaeda just rolled his eyes and started to make stupid faces. Finally they reached their destination. 

“Winter botanic garden?” asked Komaeda. “I didn’t even know we have one in this town”

“Me neither” admitted Hinata. “But I made my research and here it is”

“Now I’m starting to wonder what are you up to”

“You’ll see in a minute. But I’m afraid we need to leave the wheelchair here. Can you walk?” 

“Yes” the patient nodded his head. He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering the strength. “I think so”

They walked really slowly. Komaeda was clinging to Hinata’s shoulder, who was additionally carrying the oxygen bottle and a backpack. Every few steps they had to stop, so the patient could take deeper breath. Heat, humidity and the mixture of various, intensive fragrances certainly did not help. Komaeda started to wheeze. 

“We’re almost there” repeated Hinata from time to time. “Almost… just few more steps.”

Komaeda patiently nodded his head and kept on walking, though his steps were small and unsure. When Hinata finally said they can stop, he just sat on the bench, covering face in his hands. He was trying to catch his breath. Hinata gently patted his shoulder. Knowing that SHSL Luck is not looking in his direction, he reached his backpack. He took out a bottle, two plastic cups and a small packed with colorful ribbon. 

“Surprise!” he announced merrily, when Komaeda looked up. For a moment SHSL Luck just sat there, crestfallen, looking at Hinata, at two cups filled with champagne and at the big bush of lilac above them. 

“Lilac” he whispered. His eyes brimmed with tears. The winter sun falling through the glass roof was way too bright for him. “You took me here to show me the lilac?”

“And to celebrate your birthday”

“Which are in two months” Komaeda feasted his eyes on delicate, violet flowers. “I guess I’m lucky” 

Hinata put a plastic cup in his hand. He raised his cup, pretending to make toast and took few sips. He encouraged Komaeda to do the same. 

“To the mornings we wake up and we feel alive” whispered SHSL Luck, actually proposing a toast. “To the days we live fully and courageously. To the evenings we do not want to die yet.”

“Life is easy, Komaeda” said Hinata, drinking his champagne. What he really wanted to say was: life is easy when you are in it. When you leave, it will become difficult and unbearable again.”

 

The signal of text message for a moment interrupted Hinata in his failed attempts to fall asleep.  
It was middle of the night, but he just kept turning in his bed from one side to other. The sleep didn’t want to come. The message was from Komaeda. Obviously.

 **“What are you doing?”** he wanted to know.

**“I’m trying to sleep. I suggest you the same, SHSL Luck”**

**“….what are you really doing?”**

Hinata pondered on it for a moment. 

**“I am lying in my bed and wondering if you are still breathing”**

**“I am breathing, Hinata. Sleep”**

**“Okay.”**


	18. Risen Sun Too Bright in His Loosing Eyes

“In my dream I climbed the hospital roof” said Komaeda, when Hinata came to visit him the other day. It was the beginning of March. There was still snow on the ground, but the air smelled of spring. Komaeda had to squint his eyes in the sun, that was definitely too bright. 

“Who knows” Hinata smiled and kissed his forehead. “Maybe you really did. Maybe you are sleepwalking”

“I saw the stars” the answer was quiet, barely audible. “They burnt my eyes”.

It was one of Komaeda’s worse days. Since early morning he was complaining of headache and stomach ache. He didn’t even try to pretend he is feeling okay. He was crying. He was cursing silently. He was suffering. Hinata tried to relieve him by cooling his face – hot and flushed from the fever – with snow taken from the windowsill. He was aware that Tsumiki is going to kill him, if she ever finds out. 

“Sometimes I think it would be better to just die” said Komaeda, closing his eyes and enjoying the pleasant sensation of snow melting on his cheeks. “But then you come to me with snow in your hands.” 

They spent whole afternoon lying in hospital bed. They didn’t talk much. Komaeda was too weak and sore. Hinata was too sad. They just lied, wrapped in the coccoon of silence – thick, heavy, in a way comforting. Safe. They whished they could just stay like this. Without the need to do anything or talk to anyone. Just the two of them.

”I think you need to go now” said Komaeda, opening his eyes and staring into the ceiling. “You have an appointment with doctor Kirigiri, don’t you?”

“I don’t care” answered firmly Hinata, embracing him. Komaeda got so thin recently that it was almost scary. “I’m staying with you”

”Go and see her. Please”

”I will” promised Hinata. For some reason his meetings with the therapist were really important for Komaeda. The volunteer didn’t have the heart to tell him, that missing one or two wouldn’t make big difference. They just consumed time that two of them could spend together. "In a minute"

SHSL Luck winced. There was a flicker of fear in his eyes.

”What?” asked Hinata, leaning over him. “What’s going on?”

“No… nothing” whispered the patient and then he winced again. Behind the window the sun was reflecting in the leftovers of snow and Komaeda had to avert his gaze. Sun too bright in his… NO! Hinata gently touched his cheek.

”Komaeda…”

”It’s just…”Komaeda’s voice was calm and nonchalant, but only on the surface. “A sort of ... sharp pain in the chest, nothing more” from the look on his face Hinata easily recognized that unpleasant sensation repeated. 

“Where?” he asked, touching his chest with his hand. Suddenly he felt that his heart is hurting too, as if it was about to break. He allowed Komaeda to lead his hand, showing the source of pain.

“Here?” asked Komaeda just to make sure. 

“Yeah”

Komaeda’s heart was pounding in uneven, nervous rhythm. Hinata was not sure if that was a cause of the problem or the side effect of the fact that Komaeda started to panic.   
“Calm down” he whispered in Komaeda’s ear. “Does it hurt a lot?”

SHSL Luck bit his lip. 

“A lot more” 

Hinata noticed that the sensor on patient’s finger lit up. 

“Don’t be nervous, someone will come here in a minute”

“Don’t be nervous yourself!” snapped back Komaeda. Now he was obviously terrified. He had eyes of someone who has no idea what is going on but is begging for help. His heart started to beat even faster. His hands were shaking. Hinata kissed pale, trembling fingers. 

“Come on” he said, gently stroking patient’s head. His voice was weak, helpless. “Calm down. Calm down, Komaeda. Naegi will be here in a minute. Don’t be afraid, it will all be over soon” 

Thin hand brushed his cheek. 

“I thought that death would be something scary” whispered Komaeda. For some reason his lips became almost blue. “But now you are here with me and death seems such a nice, warm creature” 

Hinata felt like screaming. He didn’t scream, though. He just drew thin, bony body closer to himself and he began to speak. There was a flash of understanding in Komaeda’s losing eyes. Speaking into Candles. 

“Leaving the room, you break off a piece of the world” whispered frantically Hinata, with his forehead pressing Komaeda’s forehead, “around which my life is standing, through which my blood spreads. 

Komaeda closed his eyes. His breath was quick and shallow. He was losing strength. Hinata kissed his lips. There were loud footsteps on the corridor. 

“Missing so much world, you still hold out your hands for more world. Your footsteps softening like a creature before whom doors give way.” 

And then they took him away. 

 

“Hinata”

He didn’t answer. He sat on the bed, back to the door. He was pressing his forehead against the wall. He sat in that position since they left him alone. He thought that he would cry, but he couldn’t.

“Hinata” repeated doctor Kirigiri. 

He grit his teeth. He wanted to scream, but he was afraid that his voice is going to break. 

“Hinata Hajime, speak to me”.

”No”

The therapist sighed. She came closer to the bed and she sat next to Hinata. 

“Makoto asked to tell you that…”

“I don’t want to listen” he interrupted. He covered his ears with both hands. 

Makoto asked to tell him… How generous od him. He didn’t even come to speak with him in person. He didn’t have enough courage. He preferred to send the therapist, as if it changed anything. Only now it was visible that he never really treated Hinata equally with patient’s families. It was just a volunteering job. Childish, idealistic attempt to rescue the world that was falling apart. Experiment, that just came to an end. 

“You can see him whenever you want” continued doctor Kirigiri. She didn’t care if Hinata wants to listen to her or not. Her voice was piercing through covered ears. It penetrated deep, into the brain. He echoed in Hinata’s head and lacerated it with millions of smithereens. “Whenever you feel ready”

“I don’t want to.”

“Kind of disappointing attitude for self-proclaimed Super High School Level Hope” she noticed. He gave her extraordinarily hateful look.   
“Fuck off” he advised. „I don’t want to… I can’t….” he whispered. He felt sick and tired. The therapist embraced him gently. He didn’t push her away, even though he really wanted her to leave him alone. 

“There is still a chance for him to recover from that” she said. 

Hinata felt that his heart can beat, after all.

“Recover?” he asked, blinking very fast. Vision became strangely blurry. “You mean, he…” 

“We had to put him in pharmacological coma for now” she tried to explain. Hinata didn’t listen carefully. He did not understand that medical language anyway. ”He is ventilated mechanically, but he is alive. We will wake him up when his condition improves. He still has fifty percent chance, Hinata, we just need to…”

“Yes, I know” he said, standing up. His knees were shaking. “We need to have hope, right?”

 

Hinata looked at Komaeda’s face in silence. He was so thin, so withered. Skin had a delicate hue of porcelain. Silvery eyes were closed. There was a tube in his mouth. Komaeda was asleep.   
Hope, we need to have hope!  
He leaned over and he gently kissed Komaeda’s forehead.   
“I hope that you wake up quickly, SHSL Luck” he whispered. “I’ll be waiting.”  
He had no idea, that somewhere, in other reality, other Hinata, - the one who decided to become a member of reserve class – is leaning over other Komaeda (who opened the letters in another order) and, kissing his forehead, he utters exactly the same words. 

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here is the thing: it is the last chapter in the first published version, that still exists on AO3. However, there is one more chapter that I added many, many months later (some sort of Valentine's Day Special) that was never updated here. I am planning to translate it and post it, but it is just one of many possible endings of this story. The original, first fanfiction ends here, with Hinata looking at comatose Komaeda, just as he did in Dgr2.


	19. Worst Case Scenario

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promised alternative ending of "Risen sun too bright" - remember that it's just one of countless possibilities

“Is he getting any better?” asked Hinata, looking at Makoto Naegi. He knew that the answer is negative, because doctor Kirigiri gently put her hand on his shoulder. 

“Quite the opposite” answered quietly Naegi, avoiding Hinata’s eyes. His voice was helpless. “We are afraid that… that Komaeda is dying”.

“Can we do something?” inquired Hinata, trying to fight pain and heaviness in his chest. “In this situation? New therapy or some other treatment?!”

The oncologist shook his head.

“We can continue administration of medications, obviously. But we also need his help. His strength, his will to live. It’s not just that he is unconscious, its more about his body. It seems that he has already given up”.

But what about me? – he was about to scream, but he managed to bit his tongue. It was difficult to refrain from screaming at them. He wanted to yell, that they don’t understand a thing. That Komaeda is not like that. He would never give up, has a reason to live, he has Hinata!

“Obviously we will still try to help him but I’m afraid that it in this situation we will be forced to artificially keep…"

“No” said Hinata. “Please, don’t finish this sentence. I shouldn’t have asked”.

”Hinata” sighed Naegi. He got silent for a moment but then he started to speak again. “As you probably know, Komaeda signed a certain document entitling you to decide….”  
“Stop!”

“…about refraining from….”

”Shut up!” 

„…aggressive medical treatment”.

 

It took half an hour for Kirigiri to find him. He sat on the stairs of the hospital courtyard, looking at the lilac that just started to blossom. He was pressing his fist to the mouth to hold back tears. Pain was raising in his chest and flowing across his whole body. He gave the muscles heaviness of lead. 

“I understand that it might be difficult for you…”

“You don’t understand a thing” he answered mechanically, not even looking in her direction. She sat on the stairs next to him. 

“So explain” she requested. “At least try”. 

He shook his head. He couldn’t. He was not able to tell her that. It was too frightening, to cruel. More present and more overwhelming with every single day. 

“Don’t be afraid” she said, as if she was able to read his thoughts. “In my practice I listen to all sorts of confessions. It’s not so easy to shock me”. 

He grit his teeth. 

“I hate…” he said slowly. His voice broke. He closed his eyes and for few seconds he was breathing, trying to calm down. “I hate all of this. You. Myself. Him. The fact that he left it in my hands. And that Naegi told me he is not fighting… that he has no reason that… in that case… “his nails left marks on the inside of his hand. He looked at those marks in silence. “It was not right. To give hope me and him.. to tell that he still has chances. He isn’t getting any better, it’s just worse and worse. Is he…” he looked at Kirigiri. “Is he in pain?”

”I have already told you. He gets medicines. The brain wave graph does not indicate that he feels pain.”  
“But you have no guarantee, right?”

“No. You aren’t finished, are you?”

“I… just..” he swallowed. It is not fair, that… I wish he was dead by now. I wish he had died that day” he said bitterly. In a way he felt relief. This thought kept him awake at night for weeks, since the day Komaeda’s heart stopped and he was put in a coma. ”I… I really believed he died back then. I suffered and I wanted to die to, but at least I thought I know what’s going on. Maybe one day I would deal with it, but this way… he still suffers. Because of me”.

“He does not suffer”.

“You have no guarantee, you said that yourself. 

“The decision is your and yours only” said doctor Kirigiri. She stood up and adjusted her coat. “Why don’t you try to think what he would like you to do?”  
He knew that all too well.

He remembered coming home from hospital that day when Komaeda almost died. After charging and turning on his phone he found one new message. It was from Komaeda. He probably had written it during one of lonely hospital nights, but – due to some problems with mobile operator- It didn’t reach Hinata earlier. The message said: “Wake me up before I die”

So Hinata knew what to do. 

 

It took much longer than he expected. He thought that they would let him see Komaeda in the evening, but all the procedures and paperwork, and the process of waking the patient up seemed to take forever. The dawn that was about to come was heavy like a stone and it had the taste of ash. Hinata was still waiting. He was sitting on the corridor with big painting of Totoro. The corridor where he met Komaeda for the first time. The same corridor on which he witnessed Nanami’s death and where sir Porkfeet was fighting for his life. Finally Tsumiki and Kirigiri came to say, that everything is ready. 

“He’s still sleepy but I think we can let you in now” explained Kirigiri, leading him to the room. Hinata felt the tears almost choking him. “He is on strong painkillers, he can be disoriented. We turned off the sensor. Nobody will interrupt you until the morning round. 

“Okay” he managed to say. 

“That shouldn’t take long”. 

Komaeda lied in his hospital bed, still connected to cables and IV drop. He received medicines without which he would probably go insane because of pain. Hinata lied next to him, trying not to destroy anything. He held him close. Komaeda’s heartbeat was faint, almost impossible to feel. Hinata sighed. Break of dawn felt heavy like stone, but they were finally alone. First rays of sunlight crept into the room. 

“Hey” whispered Hinata, when SHSL Luck moved nervously. “Don’t be afraid. I’m here, with you”.

”I died in my dream” whispered Komaeda, with his cheek touching the pillow. His eyes were still closed. ”You were there. You saw me dying”.

“Not yet” answered Hinata, also whispering. 

“But I am going to die, right?”

“You are dying now. This time for real. And I cannot do anything to save you. I hate you, because you are dying instead of fighting. Because you gave up and you think you have no reason to survive. What about me? Do I mean anything to you? Have I ever meant anything to you?”

He was sure that he is saying it just in his thoughts. The flash of pain in Komaeda’s eyes, suddenly open and big made him realize that somehow he said all of that aloud, with bitter, helpless voice. That SHSL Luck heard every single word. Komaeda reached out for Hinata’s hand and clinged to it. Even this small gesture seemed to be extremely tiring for him. 

“You woke me up to say all of this?” he smirked. For Hinata it was like a punch in the stomach. He stroked Komaeda’s hair, now thin and brittle. 

“Just like you asked” he said. “You wanted me to wake you up before you…”

SHSL Luck nodded his head. He looked at Hinata with his eyes half-closed. 

“Thank you for telling me all of this. Thank you for being honest”

“Komaeda, it’s not like that… you know that I don’t hate you. I just…. “Hinata felt tears streaming down his face. He was supposed to say goodbye. To make Komada feel calm and safe for the last time. And he did something like that. He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit the wall with his head. How could he be so stupid? Weak, thin hand reached to his cheek to wipe the tears. 

“You hate me, you hate yourself and everyone around. That’s completely understandable. You have a big hole in your heart, and I made it myself, with your permission. I hurt you, Hinata. But I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to win this fight. I did my best”.

“I know”

“I tried”

“I love you too. I hate that you are dying, but I love you”.

Komaeda closed his eyes again. He moved closer to Hinata, seeking his warmth. He was still holding his hand. Hinata couldn’t take his eyes of him, even though he could barely see because of tears. 

“It’s okay like that” whispered Komaeda, with barely audible voice. “We are here together. You are ready. I am ready”

”Yeah” admitted Hinata. He was gently stroking his face. 

“It’s a privilege, at least here. Having chance to say goodbye”

Hinata swallowed.

“You are SHSL Luck” he said firmly. He kissed his lips. “Hope, Komaeda” he said, just like that day when Komaeda told him how dire is the situation. “Hope”

“Hope” 

It is almost impossible to tell when the person being with you in the same room is alive or not. It may seem they are sleeping in one second, and be dead in next one. In this case it was similar. He lied, still embracing Komaeda, not knowing if that moment already passed or is still yet to come. He did not have to courage to move and check. He cried helplessly, but without tears. He felt pain. And – for the first time in last few terrible weeks – he knew that he is able to deal with it. Not now, but some day. 

Hope, Hinata. Hope. We need to have hope.


End file.
